boredum

this is the third day at work that i am out of my mind bored! 8 hours never seemed so long until this week. there really is nothing to do in the committee office and everyone is on pause until next wednesday when we have the go-ahead to pack of the main office.

in eight hours, there are only so many blog posts and newspaper articles one can read. i can only what youtube videos for so long before i feel my brain start to atrophy. i can't really talk on the phone cause 1) i work in a section of a larger room with other co-workers and i don't want them to hear my convo and 2) everyone i know is themselves at work!

i have had time to get some of my volunteer work done, but that does not take 8 hours to complete. i just feel like i could be doing something more productive with my time like, start packing up my apt or going to the gym. i learned during my first "real" job that you are not expected to work for 8 hours in the day. you're simply expected to be available for those hours. being available is messing with the psyche.

then i feel guilty if i were to study for my final or apply for jobs. i'm on the public's dollar yet i'm doing personal stuff. i'm somewhat conflicted because i'm getting paid to do my personal business. that is somewhat dishonest. (yes i am that good!) trust that DC has enough issues so that no one working for the gov't can even spare an hour for lunch! but here i am blogging during work hours! go figure.

well i must go back to doing nothing

power of love

dear bighead,

you know i love you and because of my love for you, your words and opinions have a greater impact on me. i value you, maybe a bit too much, which is why during our gchat today i got really annoyed with you.

you know that i'm one to look at the whole picture before making a diagnosis. you also know that i'm my hardest critic and that i take much pride in being introspective. yet, a chunk of what you had to say in our convo was directed to how it was my fault; i had pass judgement in a preachy/lecturey way. i will admit that i should have told you the whole story, but really, it's gchat! you've known me long enough and it was my assumption that you would have been able to just pick up where i started. grown folk have told me about these "ass-u-mptions."

regardless, this letter is to say, that i was annoyed with you because in your pragmatic way, you ALWAYS need to figure it out and in figuring it out you must place the blame on someone/something. very seldom do you share the blame or place it on yourself. you placed the blame on me. this time around why couldn't you just be my bff and offer me words of comfort. i would have settled for probing questions that would have allowed me the chance to see the story from your perpective. but coming out and in your eloqunet manner placing the blame on me was not the right move.

there's a time for everything. a time to be a comforter, a friend, an accuser, a conscience... today was the time to be a friend and not judge, not point fingers, not indicate personal flaws.

this is why you got me all riled up.

with sadness,

posh

tis the season

for holiday parties and holiday shows! my time is long overdue for the nutcracker. i was in it as a child. guess who/what i was? with pride i was the best mouse on stage! don't sleep on my acting/ballet skills! :-) clearly i am no longer spending my time on stage rather i prefer to watch others. i saw the nutcracker a few years back in boston and i want to see it again. if you have never seen it, i strongly recommend you get out there and do so. tickets of course are a bit pricey, but it's so worth it! there are adaptations to the ballet: hip hop, jazz then you have the costume adaptations like victorian or contemporary. whatever your preference, just watch it; it's guaranteed to be a wonderful musical and visual experience.

now that my life appears to be back on track i would like to go to more plays, ballets, show and theatre events. i love the art and i love them more because i lack the artistic ability. on my list is RENT. i watched it for the first time in boston at the wang when i was 16 years old. i had no idea what the story was about, but i knew i loved the song "seasons of love." boy was i in for a shock when the themes and subject matters were revealed. i was not braced for that at all and because of my nievity i was unable to fully enjoy the plot line, music, set design or the overall experience. i think it's time for a redo. this season was the last for the broadway show. luckily for me i live in DC where RENT will be starting it's 10th season early next year! you betcha i'll have my ticket in hand!

measured in love,

posh

i'm sick of it.

i'm sick of the city! i'm sick of listening to loud obnoxious youth and adults talking about bullshi# in their inconsequential lives. i'm sick of listening to folk snap/pop their gum in non-public and confine spaces. i'm sick of seeing prosti-tots dressed in their short shorts skirts in the dead of winter. uggs with the mini skirt need to be a considered a public disturbance. i'm sick of cigarette smoke. i'm sick of crowded buses and trains. i'm sick of seeing homeless folk. i'm sick of seeing able bodied men and women a like just stooping. i'm sick of traffic. i'm sick of stop lights. i'm sick of the rancid order on 4th and E ST, NW. i'm sick of circling the block three times before i find an illegal parking spot. i'm sick of not being able to see the stars at night. i'm sick of having roads blocked off because the president needs to travel 8 blocks from his house to the capitol. i'm sick of it all. i'm sick of inflated rent. i'm sick of pretense. i'm sick of "hi shawdy." i'm sick of you DC!

(relections while riding the metro home from class)

posh

black female misunderstood

i am insensitive
i am shy
i am reserved
i am impulsive
i am insecure
i am fiscally irresponsible
i am loving
i am abupt
i am loving
i am a realist
i am loyal
i am sensual
i am trustworthy
i am fun loving

i am a contradiction
i am a traveler
i am evolving
i am jealous
i am me

but nowhere in this list can anyone insert "negative!" to the texter of "i need to stop sharing my personal biz with u cuz for some reason you just feel the need to be negative and make personal attacks..." i'm sorry you feel this way.

i am...misunderstood.

posh

the joneses can kiss my @$$!

CLICK ON THE PICTURE!

Thanks everyone for your insight and word of encouragement! so i'm not moving back home, i'm rough it out here in DC. i'll have to change my life style and focus, but i'm appreciating the moment for what it is.

this is the breakdown...as i perceive it. i have not been able to get a job in public administration because i'm not suppose to. however, there are jobs out there in public health and health care that are available and in lined with my professional aspirations. besides, i should be actively pursuing my medical degree.

also, i will be moving out of my apartment because my rent is equal to mortgage payments for a two bedroom condo in the city. whatever job i'll get, i will not be making enough $ to pay my current rent, this i have resigned myself to. and if indeed i do bank, then i'll be able to save! either way it's a win/win situation. i plan on moving into a cheaper apartment which may not be in the illustrious capital hill (ward 6) part of town. here i come ward 5, 7 and 8 (no offense).

i believe the hardest part is "starting over" and taking what i think are steps backwards. whereas many of my colleagues are moving forward in their respective professions, i'm having to start all over heading in a complete opposite direction. it's hard no being able to buy the nice things when i'm at this age and education level where i should be. it's even harder having to take an entry level position when the pay is far beneath my knowledge,skills and abilities. that's what will happen as i pursue a job in health care. but you know what? it's all good. in a year and one half i'll be starting my professional career. making the sacrifice now and not being able to keep up with the joneses is all right by me because i know that my current position is not permanent. it's just hard to humble oneself. i'm a need my friends who are keeping up with the joneses to understand and support me. thanks in advance.

so here's to the future!

posh

is giving up ever an option?

"never give up" is what i was told during my formative education. while working at the MATCH, everyday as the students walked into the building they would recite the school's motto after the greeter would ask what does it take to learn " courage, discipline and perseverance." if ever i needed a mantra, it's right now.

so this is the burden on my heart (the prior post will make more sense now). i will be out of a job in a few weeks (this we all know), i do not have another job lined up (also not news, i want to complete my prerequisites for med school as soon as possible and i love independence and DC. living and going to school cost money and if i don't have a job=income, how am i to live ALONE in DC? i was flirting with the idea of going back home to south la (lancaster) or the ATL with my mom at the start of next year. to leave DC i would be leaving the following:

1. pathfinder obligation (10 awesome kids)
2. the best home church ever!
3. independence
4. home as a haven
5. great young adult adventists
6. culture and nightlife one bus ride away
7. 1K+ rent
8. $200+ car insurance
9. dating
10. a great city
11. osh kosh in summer of 09
12. temperate climate

what i would be gaining:
1. free room and board
2. possible job with some local organization or even gov't
3. i'd be closer to two of my best friends
4. completing my prerequisites ahead of schedule (it's not really ahead of schedule. regardless of where i am i would need to complete Orgo starting the fall of 09 to be completed spring 10 whereby entering med school fall 2010. no matter how i slice it i'll be in med school fall 2010)
5. closer to family
6. fewer bills (save money)

here is my dilema. how do i know what i need to do? this is the sign i've been asking Him for. i need some guidance cause i'm lost! never give up, am i being stubborn when i shouldn't be? should i give up on my wanting to dictate my life and let Him lead? when is giving up an option? how do i know he's leading? then again i don't want to be that woman who moves back home cause she couldn't do it alone. i'm a fighter (that's what my best friend told me this past weekend). how much of a fight am i putting up if i decided to move back home? i know that some of this is pride on my part. i always thought that once i left home i would only return for holidays. i don't want to go back on this belief.

so i'm asking you to chime in and give me some insight, thoughts, comments, whatever. my mind is probably made up but hearing from an objective source never hurts.

conflicted,

posh

p.s. i spoke to my mom about it. of course she wants me to come home, but i was not completely convinced. her main quip was that i needed to get rid of my expensive rent...which she's right about. deep down i don't think my mom wants me to give up and come home. having this convo with my mom wasn't easy; when did it become hard to talk to my mom?

stream of consciousness

right now i'm a hott mess. i'm glad november is over but it's not done with. the events of november will pan out in this coming month.

first of all, i'm waiting for a sign and also praying that i'll be receptive to it regardless of how hard it may be.

second, november was by fare the most challenging month. i don't remember crying so often in my adult life. there were days when i cried 3 or 4 times. not out of sadness but of being overwhelmed. my faith is waning and i recognize it. i'm not leaning as much on Him mostly because i'm not ready to accept his plan for me. i have an agenda and i'm seeing that mine does not align with His! (breathe) letting go ain't no joke!

no one wants to be a failure and i sense that if indeed the Lord is nudging...rather firmly pushing my in one particular direction, i need not take the journey as a failure but focus on the destination. (this a bit cryptic, but i'm not sure i'm ready to voice what He's telling me. speaking puts things in existence)

so my goals for this month:

1. find a job (i may be willing to relocate)
2. take drastic steps toward completing my prerequisites for med school. register for chemII and physics and maybe bio.
3. work on this thing called faith
4. learn to let go
5. go with the flow and enjoy things for want they are (also cryptic)
6. get back onto running. i'm getting "soft" --not cool!

i'd like to start going to the gym, but it's so out of my way. baby steps!

stay with me here...

now there is the dilemma of the girl friends! they all have something to say about the men i'm dating! really? i'm not marrying any of them...a girl i did a summer medical fellowship with in 2000 is now married to a man who appears to be twice her age. he's white so he may actually be younger cause rumor has it that white folk don't age well. but she's married to an older, white man! i knew from back than that she has issues... be it daddy or otherwise, now they have come to manifest themselves! i'm not passing judgement! i'm happy for her and her new husband honestly, but i'm such things rarely last long term. enjoy it for what it is, i say!

n e how back to the girlfriends. why can't they just give some positive words. it's like as soon as i mention some dude the negativity comes spewing out! is this a reflection of themselves? are they just not happy and a bit bitter about relationships? whatever it is, i sometimes wish they would behave more like my male friends who take a much practical approach to these things. how about we try saying "dating is fun, la. enjoy it for what it is."

then there is the whole issue of defining "what it is." why? i have to admit that sometimes it crosses my mind to ask dudes "what is this? what are we?" but in all honestly i'm not sure if i'm ready to hear the response. plus, why does it have to be anything? why can't it just be what it is in that moment? we enjoy spending time with each other at that time. that's all there is to it!

given my track record, as soon as a label is attached to it, things begin to deteriorate. i feel pressured and the expectation (what i expect from myself and from him) skyrockets. next thing you know, it's NOT! we've been conditioned to label things, our way of understanding the way of the world, but like some one told me today the way of the world is not meant of us to fully understand.

as for now i'm enjoying the ride. i'm not sure what's around the bend or the corner but when i get there i'll decided it i'll stay on for the remainder of the ride.

kind of abrupt but this stream is officially dry.

til the next time,

posh

i think i may also dye my hair back to black. thanks retha!

Better is One Day

this song has been on repeat all day at work. listen to the words and the music (the video is kinda cheesy!)



artist: Chris Tomlin
song: Better is One Day in Your Courts

Posh

Repeat, Please

i've known that i would be out of a job come january 1, 2009 since september 7th, but d-day is fast approaching and the uncertainty of if all is getting to me.

i started off applying to dc gov't jobs but working in the committee that has oversight on dc human resources i realized this path would lead to a dead end! (dc gov't is like that!) so i broadened things a bit. i went to the feds. the fed have some annoying "barriers to entry" called ksa's. you want to know my knowledge, skills and ability? call me in for an interview and let's talk! or better yet, make use of your probationary period and see how i work. but as that is not going to happen, i have spend countless hours working on these ksa's. then i tried private sector employment! with jobs being cut by the 1000's i figured my chances were slim. i applied and that's the end of that one.

5 weeks left to go and still nothing is lined up. if this is not a test of faith, then i don't know what is! yinka (now sort of may spiritual companion) helped me look back on periods in my life where things were unknown and how He always came through.

just on example that i've told several folk. summer 2004 after i graduated from college i did not have a job lined up and my parents were telling to to 1) get a job 2) go to grad school or 3) get kicked out the house! on this particular afternoon, my sister had a job interview in boston (45 mins drive from out house) but wasn't feeling well enough to drive. my father forced me to drive her into the city. (shamefully) with much fuss and attitude, i did i as i was told. when we got to her interview location, i rushed in to use the restroom. the first person i saw (later i found out he was a founding member of the school) i asked for directions to the water closet. his response to me was this: i'll tell you were the restroom is if you answer these questions. 1. are you a recent college grad? yes 2. are you in need of a job? yes and 3. are you passionate about the youth? yes just like that i got an interview and was hired for an urban education fellowship!

all i'm saying is this: let's see that again!



posh

Tag...I'm it!

Retha, you are forgiven!

here's the game. usually i'm not one to play games... i think they're for children, but i'll go along with this one.

rules are as follows if you can't read the picture:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 random and/or weird facts about me:

a. my default is to tell the truth
b. i wear my emotions on my sleeve
c. i HATE when folk snap/smack their gum or chew like cows! really? Really? you think that's sexy? and black women folk stay doing it! news flash, you look like a cow. snapping/smacking gum is rude in public and downright obnoxious! get over it. last time a checked gum was meant to be chewed and not heard. work it out, REALLY!
d. kettle one is my drink of choice
e. i've always wanted to marry/get with a pastor. there is something about the man of God! also i think a lot of these pastors had a wild side before they got "the calling." i guess i want to experience a sanctified freak! lol! :-)
f. i want to move to haiti in my mid thirties
g. i'm an introvert with some serious communication issues

to those who've been tagged, play along! good times! and on some level it's cathartic!

posh

Whatever I Like!

i just finished reading retha's post on "ms. independent" and others' comments on her post. i didn't comment cause i wasn't sure how i felt about her assessment of the song and what others had to say. what i do know is that t.i.'s song "you can have whatever you like" i right up my alley!

independence is great! the feminists movement was the greatest, but i firmly believe two things: 1)feminism is about having a choice and does not trump or negate being a women (in the "traditional" or natural sense of the word) and 2)women want to be just that! and it happens more often when men are men!

it's real simple, there is man and woman; ying and yang; hot and cold; up and down; east and west. i hope you get the point. there is a balance. you can't have one without the other. i say this because i find that now a days, as retha mentioned, too many folk are influenced by rap songs and video and honestly believe very simplistically, that a woman should pay for the first date and that she shouldn't need a man outside of her carnal needs. this is not the natural order of things. men have this inner sense and desire to be the protector and provider (God had something to do with this) and woman tend to be the nurturer and comforter. there is a balance. when things are out of wack, meaning when men no longer want to provide (know that providing is more than a paycheck) and acquiesce to relinquishing their "pants," it only makes sense that women assume their position resulting in songs like "ms. independent" or "i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t." some one has got to play the role of the man if he's acting like the women! quite honestly i think these songs are an affront to men: men that take care of business and act as leaders and priests of their homes. i betcha that usher never has his wife pay for dinners. it further amazes me that it's men who write these songs and perform them! indirectly men, you are "stripping" yourself of your manhood. don't get mad at women when we emasculate you all, you've already done it to yourself.

lauren hill said it best with "stop acting like boys and be men." you want to be treated like men? then start celebrating our differences; start celebrating the fact that you complement a women and have the capacity to bring out the best in her. start singing "Long as you got me you won't need nobody...baby you can have whatever you like." ;-)

posh

And Counting...

i started off this year believing that great things were in store. for the first time since my 18th birthday, i had a low key, intimate new years celebration with one the the persons i love most in this world. i told her that evening as we waited for the ball to drop, "this moment is a foretaste of a year great to come." with only 1.5 months to go, my prediction proved correct...at least for me.

i know that this year saw hurricanes, deaths, fires, tornadoes, and a global financial crash, but examining the little thing in which we have control, this year has been like none other.

let me of course start by stating the obvious: We,I, elected the first black president of the US.

I graduated for AU with an MPA
I learned much about men and boys
My relationship with God has increased enormously
I'm 90% financially independent
I am living in one of the greatest cities in the US
I have found a church home, in which i'm active
I'm in my early 20s not 30's and should act accordingly
For 9 months i was living single with NO roommate and survived
I'm gradually learning what love is
I have joy
i finally know what i want to be when i grow up
I made some really awesome new friends; love you ladies

and now as i count down the hours til my 25th birthday, i am grateful and happy for the years gone by and the opportunity to see another year of life. i will continue to take charge over the thing which i can control and savor every moment.

i was speaking with yinka last week about how the twenty-somethings should be called the twenty-sucking, now i think i may have spoken prematurely. the best times are still to come.

Posh

Novus ordo seclorum

Obama Obama OOOOBAAAMA! seems to be the chant of the current world. ten days ago from this date, we who never thought we'd live to see the day when a black man was elected president, witnessed the third greatest moment in american history. barack obama was elected the 42nd president of the united states and to this day, there have not been any reports of assassination attempts. i'm not complaining!

but to the purpose of this blog. i came across an article in the washington post about the preparations taking place for the g-20 summit hosted here in dc this weekend. the article pointed out several key discussion point and policies that these world leaders are tasking themselves with. one in particular is to create "a new body to supervise the regulation of global financial institutions. The 'college of supervisors' would bring together international regulators to coordinate oversight of the world's 30 largest financial institutions, according to officials familiar with the plans. The new body would be designed to add an extra level of scrutiny to the way banks are monitored and to catch excessive risk-taking of the sort that contributed to the current economic crisis."

a "college of supervisors" that essentially will work to create one large global economy to ensure that the economic crisis that has bitched slapped the world (excuse my english) won't happen again. i can't help but think that he who controls the finances, controls all. if during this g-20 summit they are able to establish this college, in essence they would have established one unified global power in charge of the world's global markets.

centralization of power is a tricky tool. power contained in control of the global markets trickles down into religious control and social control for starters. rather than lobbying individual nations, all a particular power (say...the vatican) would need to do is lobby the "college of supervisors."

how much power will be be granted to this college? who will make up this college? what will be their mandate and who will keep them in check? i can't help but think that what is happening is a marker for how desperate for greed and power our world has become. to maintain our status quo we are willing to resign our financial freedom to an inconspicuous "college of supervisors." i knew the world was flat and the globalization as a large contributing factor; i also knew that one day the world would united under one power, but i just did not think i would happen so soon at the eve of a universally joyous event!

to our champion barack...with you comes the ushering of a new order of the ages.

thanks for doing your part in the fulfillment of prophecy.

gratefully,

Posh

check out the article at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/13/AR2008111303844.html?hpid=artslot

"whatever it is you like..."

call me pinocchio cause lately i've been feeling like someone else is pulling the strings.

Nothing appears to be remotely connected to anything. right now my life lacks fluidity or consistency. if you've ever seen "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" then you know exactly what it is i'm going through.

one day i have a date... the next i never hear from them again.

second day i apply for a job and even get a letter, but that's as far as it goes.

third day a meet up with an interest...all selfish. all empty. (should be) all done.

fourth day i have class but am unsure if i'll be able to continue next semester because i don't have a job lined up yet. without a job and a job schedule, how will i be able to schedule my classes.
i have packets on med school, but how long til i get there?

i guess i'm just failing to see how everything is connected in my professional, personal and academic life.

the other day my girlfriend jozi told me how since i've graduated i am not the same. i don't hang out, i don't see her or even talk to her as much and i'm not as charismatic as i once was. to that i say it's because my life right now is suspended on 4 fish line wires being manipulated by... (sigh)

that's just it. i said for my 25th i would need to work on having more faith. maybe this here is Him giving me the chance to make good on my word. but truth be told, i'm only human; a human who has some serious control issues, so it's only fair that i would desire to know the destination for the path i'm currently on.

as that is NOT gonna happen, i'll simply wait.

"my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness"

also

"without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God" i say...mission possible.

coming to you live from the house of the master puppeteer,

Posh

A Week in Review: The Good, The Bad and The Stupid

it's been over 10 days since i last stopped by and boy has it been a week, maybe 2!

the good:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 (my parents have and issue with his age) and all about redeveloping haiti! we went on a date last saturday after seeing each other and having brief conversations on the D6 bus. in a weeks time he has cooked me brunch and lunch.

2. my sister moved back in
so far this is good. she cooks, takes out the trash and does the dishes! what's even better is that she is around when i need an ear. my sister and i are pretty close. i think i'll enjoy her company in the months to come. also, yesterday she received her diploma in the mail. the doctor is officially in!

3. good friends
i spoke to retha who is doing so very very well! it feels like forever since i caught up with her. reading her blog is not the same as speaking to her. i do have to say that she is a sound voice...i miss it so much.

jozi and i had a chance to hang out for a bit this week also. she met D6 dude and his cousin and they all hit it off! she do is into developing the 3rd world so they all had much to discuss.

4. mr. bus driver
first of all i think they changed up the bus drivers for the D6 cause i have not seen a consistent batch of fine bus drivers in all my 2 years in the nation's capital! back to the good. today on my way to work on the bus, the bus driver gave these two gentlemen free transfers. they walked on the bus with two expired transfers and rather than making them repay, he simply gave them two new ones and explained to them that their current transfers would expire with in the next 1/2 hour. what a good deed

5. walking
i went for a late night walk and discovered a rec center 1.5 blocks from my house. met a man who is running for ANC commissioner. talk to an old, old man. i love how old folk just want someone to listen to them. i lack the patience to do so...but i'm working on it.

the bad:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 and all about this PYT! :-) as it so happens i think he may be a nympho. i'm not willing to walk down that road with him. my dad warned me that there is only one thing a 36 year old man would want with someone 11 years his junior; he may be correct. of course i want more, but for now the attention is good. i can't wait for it to get old which at the rate we're going is not that far off. we have seen each other almost every day/evening since our initial date. although it's been 7days today, it feels like 7 months! retha and i had the convo on how i need to find balance...this shit ain't easy!

2. i got fired
i was working part time at a restaurant to supplement my income. back history real quick--i took a pay cut to work for the district gov't which forced me to get a second part time gig to make up the $$ cut. regardless, i have been showing up at the waitressing gig late every weekday i'm scheduled to work. this is in part due to my reliance on the bus and also because i don't get off work before i'm scheduled to be at the waitressing gig. long story short i'm out a couple hundred $ a week. i need a new job fast!

3. i'm looking for a new full time job
my new job is soon expiring. my boss may not be reelected so i have to set things up for the next step. this is requiring me to network and meet people...one of my greatest discomforts! to compound this, i actually have to fill out job apps, which i believe are the most tedious things ever!


the stupid:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 and currently has my car in his possession. i let him use it this week. your read correctly. i let a man who i do not know from the next man, use my car for a week! he got into a little fender bender also. i'm not mad at him cause it's only a car and he has already told me he would take care of it. i also told him that that i would help translate a french document to english as a means of helping him in this haitian project. wait it gets better...i also agreed to be one the folk listed in his incorporation papers cause this haitian project is about to become officially a non-profit! what is wrong with i?

2. chemistry
i have not been doing my homework as diligently as i should be. i've had to readjust to a change in my living circumstance, a new man who has been frequenting me and the stresses of looking for a new job. all this considered, i'm not really focused on school. with that said i did get a 90 on my last exam! praise god anyhow!

3. my full time job
we are holding way too long of hearings on issue that are no brainers!

and that is a week in review! thank goodness there was more good than bad and stupid!

saturday begins a month long celebration of my life! i will try to fill you in on the goodness throughout the month! til the next time i write...

posh

Why is it... (soul searching)

it has been brought to my attention that i lack balance in my life. i remember a few years back the year i turned 21 while at the MATCH, one of my colleagues in reference to me said "when you do something, you do it HARDCORE." this comment was in reference to a party...go figure. but this statement came from someone who hadn't known me for more than a few months.

my consternation comes from the fact that i know her statement is a half truth. i don't do everything hardcore; i only do certain things (many of which are trivial) with 100% devotion. why is this?

there are countless excuses that i could rationalize, but it comes down to fear.

fear of failure: if you don't fully invest in something, damage and pain is minimized should anything negative happen. partying is not much of an investment. a good time was directly related to the number of drinks. desiring an A in a class and gaining a grasps on the material presented is a much greater investment. failure in this case cannot be an option. i have a future riding on my performance, my family and friends all holding me accountable and all supporting me. they all seem to have confidence in my, yet do i? maybe it's not so much fear of failure as it is lack of confidence.

i also lack consistency. i may be vested in something, but my commitment does not last more than, at most, a few months. parties...a few hours of fun, then everyone goes back to their regularly scheduled program. exercise for instance is completely different. i'll do it consistently, see and enjoy the health rewards, but after a few months, i quit. why? i go grocery shopping. i buy food that i enjoy. after two days i no longer return to the fridge and all my purchases rot. it's the same principle and the same can be said about so many other aspects of my life. i start something, enjoy doing it, then in a blink of an eye i abandon it despite it's positive effects. why?

i'm getting older, but not necessarily wiser i feel. i recognize the problem, but do not know where it stems or how to address it.

i try to look back on the past 24 years and image what time in my life was the most stable. at what point do i realize that things are out of control? for those of you that know me, your insight is most welcomed. although i pride myself in introspection, sometimes and observe can offer more insight.

to be continued.

conflicted and confused,


posh

7 goals

1. go sky diving/parachuting

2. read more books, not necessarily novels

3. communicate more and better

4. do things to be BEST of my ability

5. go on a ski trip/visit more tourist sites in the MDV area

6. start a savings account...and stick to it!

7. have more faith

seven goals for now that i would like to accomplish during my 25th year of life. i would like to have a complete list by the 18th of Nov. it's a work in progress.

Age Gracefully

let's take the time out of our day and speak about aging gracefully.

the setting is none other than the D6 bus in the morning, direction sibly hospital in our nation's capital. the woman, african american. she seems to have experimented with some narcotics in the days of her youth. she's chocolate complexion.

her attire (order will be from head to toe): i believe she may suffer from some level of alopecia. why? her hair is pulled back in a pony tail, and i can see her scalp! attached to her pony tail is a "piece" that extends to her mid-back. how are you going to have alopecia and add a pony tail piece to your head that extends to your mid-back? really? really!

she has on a jacket so i don't know what type of shirt she has on. regular fitted jeans was not a bad pick for her. she's slender and i think i suited her will. on to her shoes...she is wearing peek toe, patten leather, 3-buckled, 3.5 inch heals! really? really! on a tuedsay morning! where are you headed? it ain't to a club?

all i'm saying is that one should dress age appropriate! you're a grandmother...dress the part! ain't no reason for you at the age of 66 to try to relive your adolescent years when you were or assumed you were hott sexy!

i shall soon be 25 God willing, and i can only hope that i too learn to dress age appropriate! i'm on the opposite of the spectrum where i dress a little too old! it's an ongoing journey! i'll find out how i did next year when i turn 26!

posh

diamond girl

so this song is "old" according to many, but i can't get it out of my head. i'm a have to go out and buy his album!

but i like the premise of the song. at some point every "normal" man should want to find his "diamond girl" and quit the "game."

n-e how, take a look and listen and let me know if you too are now obsessed with the song and premise.




posh

lonely

(i'm blog binging...something i need to explore more. what does this tell me about my personality?)

but back to the subject at hand. my cousin, we'll call him sexual chocolate for this blog, is headed off to baghdad with the state department on this friday. yesterday was my last time seeing and hanging out with him for what could be a whole year.

although he came into my life a couple years ago, for the past 9 months he has been my only family member in the district. furthermore, he double as a male friend to balance the ratio when groups of us went out. now he's gone!

selfish, yeah i know. i'm a miss him and hope that the Lord keeps him safe. i'm confident that he is making the right decision and will lead him down the path the Lord has in store for him. i'm ultra proud of him and i will miss him for more than just a "hang out/ratio balancing" buddy.

but back to the ratio...i can't think of one male friend who could possibly replace sexual chocolate! i'll miss him.

i suppose this will give me an opportunity to step outside my comfort some. i'll have to meet new folk and forge new friendship.

i'll keep you posted on the journey of socialization. good times.

Learning To Scream

By all accounts, my childhood was quiet. I was an only child and naturally attuned to silence. My parents weren't exactly regular chatterboxes either. They were always the ones who asked people to be quiet in church and at the movies. Plus, we lived in an apartment building where loud noises after 9:00 p.m. were reported. Quiet developed such a premium in my life.

I'm learning of its adverse effects lately. The solitude of my upbringing didn't really help me develop much of a voice. I am still soft spoken to this day. Often my kids ask me to repeat myself because they can't hear me from my lofty perch. And not having a sibling to argue with, to develop difference with more sharply, leads to a vocal box in a degree of atrophy. I know I'm not completely stunted. When comfortable, I am overly chatty, a crude compensation for my initial silence. But often the strength and conviction that colors others' speech at the appropriate moments is absent from my own. My mind is often a middling soup of a number of feelings and thoughts I am unable to articulate, unable to completely explore and trust.

There used to be a point where I could to some degree. Until last night, I had mostly forgotten that time. But in a rare moment of silence in my house, I dug in old files in the goals of organization and found a revival of spirit that might help me organize much more than the system of files on my computer. In the mix of old poems, musings, and random postings, I remembered a me who was just as unsure, just as confused, continually questioning. Certainly though, that me was unafraid of those questions or the answers or non-answers that returned. And that me just plugged along regardless. The tragedy is that I went nowhere. An endless circle like the Exodus.

But that ends now. Later you will see postings on this site that were previous to this date because I have been storing all this expression for no reason whatsoever. And its been holding me down. I haven't been asking questions. I haven't been challenging myself. I haven't been growing in any direction. This has been a stone that has slowly been creeping but I am praying that this is the beginning of momentum that will be unstoppable

Time...you ain't a friend of mine

intially i was going to write and gripe about my busy schedule, but i've opted not to. although i do feel a bit overwhelmed with not having enough time to enjoy my life, i understand that all things in due time. right now it's my time to be busy, work hard, and not travel/experience as much as i would like to. enough said.

Untitled

I wanna be,
in your presence.

stripped
of all my fears,
inhibitions,
desires,
wants
and insecurities.

Free. Naked.
in your presence,
I wanna be.

haiku

adam where are you?
growing up, posh and bighead
abandoned? Pray, no!


disclaimer: i thank retha for this inspiration

learning curve, WHAT!?!?!

it's been a month since i started my new job and the phrase that summarized these last 30 days is "trail by fire!" i feel like i may have jumped "straight out of the frying pan and into the fire" (this line goes out to retha!). i am really enjoying what i'm doing, but like so many non-technical, assembly-line jobs, there is no training manual; you are expected to learn on the job. no, the job is not at all complicated, but there are certain nuances and idiosyncrasies that are associated with the type of work i'm doing. gaining a firm grasp on them is a matter of time.

let's explore this concept of time and how it manifests in my life. with time comes a sense of confidence and certainty. time, as manifested in the life of lori is welcomed, however the unknown that is associated with it, is not! somewhat of a dichotomy and must assuredly a dilemma!

therefore, although i love my job (thus far!) not knowing what to expect, which is inherent in starting a new job especially with my boss i have found, has caused me great stress and has taken a stab at my confidence level.

in my non-realistic lori-centric world i expected to know everything on "day one"! that is not the case. every week i've been exposed to something new. i'm continually asking questions (which is a good thing--i need to syke myself up) and luckily i work with the best team around who are very patient and answer all my questions.

when all is said and done, the experience i'm gaining is immeasurable not to mention the opportunities associated with my job and i'm greatful. i am learning new things about my job and about myself. i know there are many personal things i need to work on and this job is bringing them to the forefront of my personal growth and development agenda. thank you.

disclaimer: come January, i may be out of a job; so as much as i love what i'm doing, i'm in the process of looking for another government job...just in case. wish me luck and hope that everything happens as it's suppose to happen.

til the next time

posh

Disclaimer: what you're about to read is about GOD!

I just need to testify on the goodness of God and how He just keeps on keeping on.

1st: He is an on time God. you're heard it said before, but it is just now that i'm experienceing it! i've been having some greater than natural (according to me)growing pains. it ain't easy making the decision to cut yourself off from mom and dad's money bags and stick by it especially when you live in a city as expensive as dc with all the cost associated with life and have car! i've made that choice and i'm proud of it. moving on... recently left a secure and decent paying job with potenial for salary growth and bonuses for a profession in public administration working for the district government, a job which lack security and offered me a $2000 pay cut! (i's crazy). i decided to take a leap of faith!

but here is where God shows up. two weeks before i quit my secure job i knew that i would need to get a second job for supplemental income, make up for the pay cut. i'd been looking around, called a few places and got nothing. one week before i quit, a friend comes into town and we opt to eat at a restauant a few blocks from my house. i inquire, i fill out a job application, two days later i'm trainging!

i started with the district government the first of this month, just to find out that they were in the middle of a pay period meaning that it would be another 3 weeks before i see my first pay check. typically i would have freaked out, but this time i just praised the Lord of his incomprehensible timing. my little waitressing job (2 nights a week)has been able to sustain me during this intrim. yeah i can't go out and drink or party (let it be known that i have gone out a few time recently and have not really been inclined to drink...you thinking what i'm thinking?) like i use to, but i do have a roof over my head and my belly full! :)

i serve a great God who looks after me even when i'm to lazy, stupid, careless to look after myself. i'm trying to keep it i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t, but it seems like every time i think i have it under control, i get thrown a curveball forcing me to step back. as much as i would love to be in control, sometimes the best thing to do is let go and loose all control. if in doing so i'm deferring to God, i'll do it; for Him, failure is NEVER an option.

this is just the most recent revelation on who great God is and continues to be to me.

i just felt compelled to share this with you. hope you are encouraged or inspired.

i leave now with two text. the first being my new found favorite:

"delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." (Ps 37:4)

"therefore I say unto you, be not anxious for your life... and which of you by being anxious can add one cubit unto his stature?" (Matt 6:25-34)

in love,

posh

A Change We Can Believe In

This post is not about the next president of these united states of america, although i did stop by the cvs this morning and picked up a historical collector's edition devoted solely to mr. obama!

but this blog is about fat people in america. i'm not particularly snobbish when it comes to this issue because i have struggled with the bulge and my mother is a size 16. it's just that what i saw this morning has compelled me.

for starters i got on the bus and the only seat available was next to a larger middle aged woman. she took up her seat and a third of mine. i sat with a third of my body in the isle. as patrons walked through the isle to get on and off the bus they, along with their bags, all bumped me. i received many apologies, but the experience was nonetheless uncomfortable. what stuck me the most was that the large woman next to me did not appear to feel a bit uncomfortable. she was in her own world as if she were entitled to take up 1 1/3 of the 2 seats available! at least try to "shrink" yourself! try to contain your fatness by moving closer to the window and not sprawling out while you read your morning newspaper!

it continues...at one particular bus stop i saw a larger, middle aged black women smoking while walking. as the bus approached, she stopped and observed who got off the bus. cool. when all passengers had gotten off, she proceeded to walk across the street in the crosswalk continuing to smoke. next thing i know, she is stopped again on the other side of the road for what appears to be a "breather!" are you kidding me!

what broke the camel's back was every other person (mostly women. i'm not sure where the men are, but that's a different blog)i saw on the street walking to their respective destinations. someone tell me why they were not fat they were obese! rolls upon rolls. derriere giggling at its own pace. arm fat like i've never seen it before. i felt disgusted.

a change we can believe in is getting the black population fit and healthy. i'm not by any means as fit or healthy as i should be. i have not ran in a few months and my body is hating me for it. but i have not allowed myself to let go completely. some days i do eat a salad. once a month i may eat fries from McDonald's (that was yesterday!) McDonald's is not the breakfast of champions. black folk, stop heading over there every morning to start your day. eat oatmeal! try eating for lunch foods that are not fried. maybe opt for something grilled. incorporate more veggies and fruit, whole grains in your diet. stay away from processed starches, sugars and carbs!

gracious for the love of yourself,do something healthy! walk those extra blocks!

i just needed to vent.

til the next time,

posh

a moment of silence

7 years ago this day is clearly embedded in my mind and the minds of other americans and our global community.

it was a surreal experience.

7 years have past and it is up to the global community to ensure that such atrocities do not occur in any country. attacks on unarmed civilians transcends our federal government and is a concern of the human community.

let this day remind us of our fragility and humanity. god bless us all.

posh

The truth about Cats and Dogs (PG-13)

I've never seen the movie, but the older i get i realize there are stark differences between men and women.

Those who know me, know that i proudly refer to myself as "the son my dad never had." I grew up hanging out with and around my dad-- doing all the chores and running errands with him. later during my adolescent years i (not so proudly this time) "rejected my femininity." i made it my business to dress like a man (baggy clothes) only hang around dudes and play bodyguard whenever my sisters and i went out. If ever i were interested in a guy, i would be the one to make the first move; i would be the one courting the him. at age 21 i decided enough was enough. i would sit back and be chased...what women are "suppose" to do.

sidebar--[two things: 1) those years were awkward. i was a lot heavier and ultra self conscious. my actions reflected my insecurities and my wanting to protect myself. 2) i have now in my wisdom (all 24 years) realized that the man to whom i've been attracted in the the past often display effeminate traits. i can only say that this is residue from my adolescent years.]

so how does this relate to cats and dogs? it goes a little like this:
cat: hey babe. i can't wait to be held in your arms. have a great day!
dog: n my arms, n ur legs, it all works love.

this is real. one can't make this up!

slowly but surely i'm accepting that i want romance and intimacy and having this desire is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability; it's remaining true to myself. I want just being in your presence to be sufficient. and if one day, after the lord sanctifies our being together (not necessarily through the gov't institution of marriage) then you'll experience being n each other's legs!

End of summer

beginning of fall.
the start of a new job.
dawn of the next chapter.

The dating trifecta

How does one know when they have found the ONE?

I just got news that one of the three dudes i've been obsessing about is now in a serious relationship, and he's ecstatic! (however, i think i may be more happy for him. you know me and my preoccupation with black love!) anyhow, i found out that they had thought about it before but "the plane never landed."

so what has changed between then and now, other than time? How is he so certain that this is the one that God has put aside for him? where does he gain this confidence to leap into the realm of a serious relationship that may potentially lead to a marriage? I present you the dating trifecta:

1. Providence
2. Counsel
3. Confirmation.

Providence:
"the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth" (dictionary.com). my friend i can only assumes attributes his reintroduction to an old grad school mate as Providence, as God's guidance. the years prior, they may not have been ready for each other. they both needed to grow, learn, live, maybe even gain a firmer relationship with God. Whatever the case, they were reunited and this time it has stuck!

Counsel:
they say that your friends and family members know you better than you know yourself. they are at a vantage point that allows them to see you in the one way that you cannot see yourself. with my friend's description of this girl, his explanation of their friendship, others opinions of her, and whatnot, they were able to assess that she was the one for him. Her looks, mannerisms, temperament, build, personality, character, familial background...it all matched up. Besides, your close friends and family only want what's best for you.

Confirmation:
this is the trickiest of them all. the thing about confirmation is that it comes in the form of the supernatural, the unexplainable. it requires the gift of discernment. it requires that you wholly submit your self to a high power and allow Him to lead and direct. but aren't our desires obstacles in this whole process? how are you so sure that you both put your desires aside and allow the Lord to guide? was it self fulfilling or providential? are just a few of the questions that need to be reconciled when dealing with the confirmation. i heard in church this past week that "if you delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart." of course i am not a theologian but one of the major components being a vessel and having the gift discernment to to ensure that you are aligned with the Lord and that He is your one true desire. preoccupy yourself with going about your Father's business and your Father will provide you with all your needs and the things of your heart...be it a car, job, health, patience, better relationship with your parents/siblings, or a significant other.


Three, the number of the Holy trinity...i guess it makes sense that the key to discernment is a three part endeavor. In all things His will should be done. A successful relationship beings with GOD at it's core.

Let this be a lesson for all who read this.

with love,

posh

Young (Hov) @ Heart

Posh's latest revelation in dating, the Renaissance Sugar Daddy theorem we can call it, was initially troublesome. Well more specifically, the circumstances that led up to the conclusion were the troublesome part. Why would young, vibrant Posh want to be subject herself to potential stagnation with a beau who was born in a completely different era? Then I realized that each girlfriend I have is younger than the last.

So why the trend? In the black community, you could easily say that the men have the luxury of staying single longer and then having their pick whenever they choose. I guess you could say that across ethnicities since the good men are dwindling at a higher rate for everyone. But I think there's something else going on there too.

Girls are always more mature than boys. This is apparent to both sexes as early as pre-school. From the jungle gym, little princesses are honing their skills at batting eyelashes and making wistful glances; the boys just try to figure out where and when to hit her in the shoulder to express the same sentiment. And while we make gains, we never quite catch up. So though chronologically disparate, those eyebrow raising relationships might be on the perfect page. Plus the young ones are eye candy that not only please us but make our friends jealous. That never hurts the equation.

I think it all factors into how much a guy is willing to sacrifice. When a man finally gets tired of the club scene and wants to settle down, he starts to find someone who is on the same page. He initially might even turn to people his age, but they're usually bitter and have baggage that makes it even less appealing. But turn a little and there is a bevy of younger women, tired of dating around and looking for something substantial, but the boys their age have no interest in giving up their playboy ways. So sometimes the girl is 25 and the guy is 27, 26 and 33, 27 and 40, but they're going the same speed. Plus the girl offers the guy some sort of link to the idea that his youth and vitality is eternal. For the girl, she is just comforted by the fact that a man exists that knows what responsibility is. This also explains why these relationships work even when the guy isn't exactly Mr. Moneybags either.

The more I've thought about it, the less I worry about it. I really have more stock in making my current relationship work. Other than the fact that we seem to be at that all important same pace, the idea of getting any younger in my partners is scary. In future years, if I entertain the type of age gap Posh has no qualms about I could be dating someone who featured Soulja Boy prominently in their Sweet 16 playlist. I don't think I could handle the disconnect. I suspect the trend will only continue to grow. In addition to Posh, my sister is currently dating someone 11 years her senior. Plus it would just add onto the list of ways to emulate Jay-Z. First, entrepreneurship in diverse assets (Jigga does mad ish. I'ma do mad ish"). Second, beverage choices based on moral conscience ("Jigga stopped drinking Cris. I'ma stop drinking Cris"). Finally, Jay-Z has offered guidance on relationships ("Jigga got married to an independent woman more than 10 years his junior. That nigga must be onto something. He ain't made a bad move yet")

Those might be some of the most watched baby names ever.
----------------
Now playing: Beyonce - Crazy In Love (ft. Jay-Z)

to be or not to be kept?

My best friend is 10 years my senior and we get along just fine. the first time i ever got hit on i was 12 and he was 18. he told me later he thought i too was 18.

Since moving to chocolate city i have gone on several dates all with me who have been atleast 8 years my senior. last night i had a reuniting with one such man. we had not seen each other in almost a year and during that lapse he'd gone off and married the woman he was living with while we dated! :) last night, we met with a group of his friends. he was working the dance floor, dancing with every willing female. for the record he can move (but not as good as bighead!) all his friends at some point of the night sparked convo with me. his friend's cousin, who was also in the group but not associated with my married friend, and i ended up hitting it off. he offered to take me home, i accepted. btw: dude who offered teh ride is 16 years my senior! my married friend got mad at me for leaving with someone else. Was his irritation justified? should i have some how, some way entertained him when the night was over?

the analysis:
he's married
he is spending the night at his college freind's house
he is carpooing with 2 others (his friend and another mutual friend)
i cut romantic ties off the first time as sooon as i found out his living situation
i will never again be "the other woman"
my apartment is a mess (the dryer in the building was not working, figure it out!)

conclusion:
Negro was not justified in his anger. based on past interactions he knows how sacred i hold marriage. he should not have called me to hang out with the expectation that he would "get some" anything. finally, it forces me to think of what kind of a woman he thinks i am. one that would fornicate with a married man? do i have no morals or self respect? maybe he thought our connection was that serious. not when you're married!

Moral:
older dudes & younger women: maybe we just complement each other. they're looking for youth and fun, and i'm looking for $ and stablitiy! being kept never hurt no one!

13:39

This was the time on April 2, 2008 I realized I had to leave my job as soon as possible.

Towards the end of a sexual harassment training, which was an unnecessary replication of one we just recently had, our human resources associate was rambling on in a makeshift addendum to the video just shown for our viewing pleasure. I zoned in and out as she admonished us on discussing the illicit details of our personal lives while at work but my ears perked up when she randomly asked for hands regarding our time served with the organization.

First it was the less than a year.
One to two years.
I had already decided not to raise my hand at this point for the inevitable two years plus. She was smart and didn't ask for it. But she did refer to us as veteran staff charged with setting the standard of professionalism.

And at 1:39 Eastern Daylight Time, she turned, gave me direct eye contact, and said "You've been here a while, you know what I am saying."

And when you realize you do know what she's saying because you've known this shit since you were 17 or that you might have memorized the damn video cause this is at least the fourth time you've viewed it or that the human resources associate that knows about 25 people total has seen you that often that she actually remembers that you've been there that long, it's about that time.

You know everybody likes to focus on how God is so awesome with blessing us with obvious blessings or these great miracles, big and small. And I do appreciate them just like everybody else. But let us not forget how he pushes our buttons to piss us off and get us to change. Between this mini-narrative and my girlfriend''s questionable driving habits, I finally have the impetus to embark on two of the most important and overdue steps of my life.

(These songs were on back to back and were very apropros)
----------------
Now playing: Jill Scott - Golden & Black Eyed Peas - Fallin Up

Another Day

In the past couple of weeks, I've had an increased number of instances in which I was describing aspects of my spirituality to people who had the questions. And while they ranged from worship style to church attendance to actual belief system, I noticed that a common theme for me is that it is a truly personal experience when you connect with the Father.

Today was another example. I found myself awake early and especially alert this morning. Thankful I remembered to take down the garbage, I was somehow inspired to read those Bible chapters I had permanently penciled in for "Tomorrow". Initially I grabbed my study Bible with the chapters already in a plan to follow, but then I reached for a more conventional study Bible. Then I did a routine. I pray that God just speaks to me by just guiding the way I open the Bible. It may sound silly but I think it was inspired in one of my initial spells of desperation years ago. It helped me then. And it has mostly helped me since. Anyway, my prayer was admittedly scattershot. Just like a conversation with any friend, I found myself going off on tangents. Still I found a way to regroup and ask for that guidance.

Now I open the blessed Book and come to Haggai, a tiny book tucked in the back of the Old Testament. I won't lie. When I have been stubborn and come to an entry like that after the same prayer routine, I have closed the Bible and done a restart, hoping I would be lead to one of the more conventionally inspirational passages. But lately I have been realizing that this only child "my way or the highway" attitude is the reason I find myself in this state of stagnation in the first place. So I read the tiny book.

And it spoke right to me. Straight shot to the heart.
"Look at what’s happening to you! You have planted much but harvest little. You eat but are not satisfied. You drink but are still thirsty. You put on clothes but cannot keep warm. Your wages disappear as though you were putting them in pockets filled with holes!" Haggai 1: 5-6 (NLT)

You can read the chapters for yourself, but what I got out of it was the Israelites just had misguided priorities, much like myself. When they submitted to doing what they were supposed to though, the Lord kept blessing them. And what they were supposed to do was submit to God's will in the first place.

The priority thing has always been my main obstacle. But a little later there is this: "But now the Lord says: Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people still left in the land. And now get to work, for I am with you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.’ " Haggai 2: 4-5 (NLT)

Time to get working.

----------------
Now playing: De La Soul - U Can Do (Life)

Five Years At War

March 20th marked the fifth anniversary of this country's entry into Iraq. And while at points it has provided its triumphant moments, its mostly been a middling affair resulting in more loss than gain. Yet aimless as it may seem, the crusade continues, with no specific plan for change and no real goal.

Concurrently, I've been at war with myself. And just like the American campaign, its justification for existing is non-existent. It continues just as aimless and seemingly without an end. Funny enough, in my initial foray into blogging, I expressed a desire to avoid some of my father's negative traits. Yet four years after that post, I still find myself in mostly the same place. Sure there have been mini triumphs along the way, but I haven't even moved forward to the degree which should have been expected by now. In the parable with the businessman and his three servants, I have followed the example of the lone dismissal, burying my talents in the sand.

I'm pretty sure I have a fear of being successful, though I don't think I've really defined what success is exactly. I guess it's a fear of failing. At what, I don't know. But it's fear nonetheless and I need to figure it out. I am actually beginning to dread life and almost at the point where I do not like myself. For too long I let the minor things distract me from the big picture, but it really is time to figure things out and just move on with life, fail or not. At least I should try, just like the businessman said as he dismissed his worker.

Interesting enough, during this time my father has done tours in a war of his own. And when he's down, so am I, as far away as I try to get from it. Why are we so inextricably linked if we don't really get along? In my initial foray into blogging I mentioned a desire to be nothing like him, yet I find myself replicating some of his least wanted characteristics in my lesser moments. But his helplessness has affected me deeply and somehow its kept me from avoiding his same fate. I don't care if I am in counseling forever; I cannot go like this.

Five years is long enough. Morale is low. Its time to pull out the troops. Diplomacy is the way to bring about peace.

The Cat that Lost Its Lives!

"scared of the illicit stipulations with a sensual girl in his apartment after hours"--Bighead said it best!

I recently had a three month affair with the CAT. He was a blast from my past, my first sexual encounter, same religion as me, and looked real good on paper, not to mention that he was handsome and firm in all the right places!

Question: how are you going to invite a girl over to your house, derive pleasure from her company, then kick her out at 2:30 am? any rational and sane person would say: girl he has no respect! he does not value that girl outside of someone that fulfills the role of a sex object!

twice in the last 3 months of our affair he has kicked me out. twice has he apologized for his actions. twice he felt the need to express regret! i have people in my life for over 5 years and they have never kicked me out, apologized for their actions or ever expressed regret about something we had done together (sexual and not).

the first time he used his three series approach i forgave and moved on. that was his fault. the second time, i snipped it in the behind, that was my fault. i did not give him the opportunity to have that cathartic experience at my expense. the third time...there won't be one! i have too much going for me, am too much of a great catch, to settle for a dude that can't manage something as fundamental as a human relationship! there are ways to treat people, he needs to figure that out.

one more thing i would like to mention about the CAT! he is hyper repressed. his favorite music: 60's 70's soul where the voices and the music is unadulterated and the theme of love is suggestive but not explicit. ideas on women's dress: headdresses are the best! relations with women: one time deal with a stranger while on vacation in the island! clearly he has not reconciled his natural heterosexual desires with his inherant love of his God and church! he wants what's natural, but thinks he'll be damned to hell. what a hypocrite! then he wants to pass judgment on others for what they MAKE him do! i stop here because i see how this may deteriorate into dark comedy and this is NOT a laughing matter!

so how does all of this equal a CAT loosing his last life? Well next time he calls or texts (i give him 2 weeks--his pattern) i will let it go to voicemail. Next time i hear from him, i'll remember being kick out at 2:30 in the morning!

Notes of Appreciation

Somewhere amidst my recent depression, I had the good idea to just open the Bible and read whatever was presented. Luckily, I was led to this lovely verse in The Message interpretation of the Bible:

"A miserable heart means a miserable life;
a cheerful heart fills the day with song."
Proverbs 15:15

Interesting enough, every other translation never mentions music. Instead, cheerful hearts are the hosts of a perpetual "feast" or "banquet". But I kind of like the idea of a music filled life leading to joy. Isn't good music part of any good feast or reception?

So I've discovered old playlists I used to frequent and rediscovered music that makes me move, makes me think. I've also discovered new ones that do the same. Some have been so poignant; they've acted as catalysts in the dialogue I've been having with myself. It's been a good time.

Just wanted to note the blessing

Things Revealed In The Last One Hundred Sixty Eight Hours

- Family is my biggest motivation in life. I love my family. It hurts me how much how often I cannot be with the little family I have. Or even on my terms. But that's my own doing and a whole other story. But I hope to have a family filled with love.

- I love God. He is so good . He has done so many things for me; more amazing, the instances I reference are a mere fraction of his total blessings. Most are unknown. I guess that's why a certain type of ignorance is bliss. Knowledge that His eye is watching miniscule sparrows is very comforting.

- Posh is a silly girl.

- Posh is trying to inundate herself with activities as to drown out the loneliness of being totally single for the first time in her adult life. She is a brave girl.

- When I am blue, I tend to sort a lot. I also get much more anal about cleanliness. These are elements I need to incorporate to my regular personality, notjust the low periods. But it is fun and therapeutic. Perhaps if it was regular routine I would never get as low as I had been again.

- I've been with my girlfriend for two months. I am very excited. I am committed to seeing this grow. It was liberating typing these thoughts. I am also excited I even wanted to share that. She is amazing.

- I need to be more social. I have friends that I truly care for, but my actions are nowhere near what they should be. I will change that.

- My father might not last much longer. But I began to fulfill a promise to my sister's mom to bring them together. Sis has a hole she wants to fill. Unexpectedly, she's helping me fill holes I didn't realize I had. And I love her so much.

- I love my family

- I think I will post here more often. Posh's encouragement was golden.

- God really is good.

- I need to grow up.

- I actually want to grow up.

- I want to grow up

- I need to pray

- I need you to pray for me

- I need to move
----------------
Now playing: De La Soul - Church

How Eminem inspired a quadriplegic

So at my job the other day we had an all staff meeting. I have never been to this monthly event in during my 6 months there. So here i am, setting amidst my "colleagues" (i use that term loosely since i'm ONLY a temp, which my manager never fails to remind me). Any how, introductions are made by the CEO of the company, those who received promotions were acknowledged, and then...in rolled in the quad.

He gave a less then riveting speech (shouting out folk he knows, dropping names, incoherent rambles on how he loves the biotechnology community littered with all his accomplishments as a "regular" person in a wheelchair, born with a silver spoon in his mouth!) I must admit that his story is amazing: losing the ability to walk two weeks before he started as a freshmen at Syracuse to later attain a law degree from Washington College of Law.

So after his less than great speak in which he says closes by saying: "i would like to leave you all with this. If there is one thing that i have said that you need to take with you it's this. You may have heard of the Famous rapper named Eminem from Detroit. From his song "lose yourself" he says, and i hold this dear to me:
"Look, if you had one shot (pause)... or one opportunity (pause)
To seize everything you ever wanted (pause)... one moment
Would you capture it (pause)... or just let it slip?"

Think about it!

once every 4 years

we must acknowledge this day as it only comes once every 4 years. really have nothing to say, but wanted to capture the moment. til 2012...


(i knew that this year would have something special in store...pay attention to the signs!)

The Right Man

Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.

8 years later...
Girl is reintroduced to boy
Boy is reintroduced to girl.

and the conversation...

Boy: Wow! it's time! You NEED to visit the hair salon. Your hair looks bad. You really can't go to church with it looking like that.
Girl: Fine! You wanna pay for me to get it done?
Boy: Sure! How much is it?
Girl: Really?
Boy: Yeah. How much?
Girl: $60. Thanks... but ...what will you get out of it?
Boy: I get to admire your beauty. That's enough.

(50% of this conversation really did happen! can you guess which half didn't?)

An Elaborate Co-Sign/Intertwined

While reading Posh's last post, I was nodding my head the whole way. Somewhere along the way, I finally got off the serial monogamy train. Solitude has never been hard for me though being raised as an only child. But these last couple of breaks have been especially rewarding. Something about the quiet. Its easier to reflect, to sift through all the minutiae and gunk that has built up and truly define yourself. When I broke up this time last year, it was like a burden was lifted. The mental equivalent of singing at the top of your lungs while prancing naked in your apartment.

And throughout this time I learned when I needed to bring my voice down, or put on some clothes cause it was getting too cold, or maybe that I wanted to dance. But getting more in love with myself along the way (have to continue the narcissism)

Now that I find myself back in the throes of romantic kinship, the sharpening that transpired during my solitude has come back rewarding in a plethora of ways. For one, its been a lot easier just to be myself without fear that I am compromising myself. When I choose to dance, literally or figuratively, I've been doing it without fear of repercussion. In no way am I under the delusion that I am immutable. Growth is a necessary component of life. Part of the reason that I think we desire companionship so much is that it is another extension of growth. But knowing what you need to work on, what you need to adapt, and more importantly what is absolute for you is beyond measurable value. That only can happen with solitude.

There is one benefit that I actually forgot until I got caught up again. Having someone appreciate the uncompromised you, peculiarities and flaws out there for everyone to see, is particularly fulfilling. And appreciating the differences in each other is just as rewarding as appreciating the similarities. I know I should stop singing, pick some damn clothes, and get some degrees under my belt. But actually being able to tell someone that and accept it. I'll describe it if I ever find the appropriate words. It is beautiful to know and love yourself; sharing yourself is just another beautiful experience.

Full disclosure: this is the honeymoon period. But the fact that the honeymoon is even taking place is remarkable because this is one of the most dismal periods of my life. It's an optimistic misery that has taken hold but still it hasn't been fun. When Ecclesiastes and Lamentations become real for you, it can be pretty bleak. But noticing the potential for sunshine has been uplifting, and my mental acuity was developed during my adventures across the universe of me. As I venture out, the experience is all the more rewarding.

I have high hopes for this one, even though its early. Part of it is that I am getting anxious about the whole thing. Time is a charmer and convinced Hair to run away with her. But being me is pretty easy with her and I can tell that being herself is natural in front of me as well, and that's hard to admit for both of us. It's nice finding out if we're right though.

----------------
Now playing: Reflection Eternal - The Blast (Extended Version)

Living Single

I don't think you can really appreciate companionship without ever being single. in my 24 years, i have never lived alone. I've always had a roommate and if they left for an extended period, i slept by a friend's house. One week from tomorrow marks my first week anniversary as a single women living in DC. I have to answer to no one but myself and God. That's a surreal feeling. For the past year and a half I have wanted to live alone and understand the experience first hand. [Anecdote: Last night I came out the shower, music playing "i will survive" (how fitting) and i preceded to mouth the lyrics silently! About half way through the song i questioned my motives for remaining silent. Who would i disturb with my Pro Art voice? NO ONE! I had no one to annoy, no one to consider, no one to offend! Coming to this realization i preceded to belt for the top of my lungs "so go ahead now. walk out the door. just turn around now cause you're not welcomed anymore!"]

Turn around cause unless your name is Posh , you're really un-welcomed for more than a brief visit!

Before my sister left, she warned me not to invite to many (men-es) folk over. That i needed to live single and learn how to be alone, which i believe is a natural process of maturing and development. It really would be so simple living in chocolate city to have a companion over at my beck and call. But where's the challenge in that? At which point would i be able to spend quality time with Posh? So i have decided to heed my big sister's advice and taking a break from the men-es!

If there is one thing i have realized is that it is too simple to get wrapped up in your lover or significant other. You start loosing yourself and next thing you know you are defined by the other person. Not to sound narcissistic, but i enjoy my company and really like myself. It would be a disservice to myself and my romantic interest to loose myself as our relationship grows. Until i'm really to stay true to myself despite it all, which i believe comes with spending time alone, I will not be ready to enter into a healthy long term relationship. Serial Monogamy is for the weak. I pride myself in being strong (some may say i'm a masochist).

Living single ain't easy. but like so many other things in our lives, we get through it. And who knows, maybe this is preparing me for something greater!

'til the next entry...keep living!

Discourse:

A conversation between Posh and I from this morning about the dating preferences of Black men and women. Except for a couple corrected errors and bathroom breaks excised, it's unabridged

Posh: i thought about your question that night! i likened it to an adventist dating an atheist. you're both humans but it's the unspoken subtlies that make the difference.

Big Head: okay being a black woman why do you think collectively as a group you are the least likely to date outside your race

P: we're hopeful! we yearn for true companionship and intimacy...we're complex beings and maybe we feel only our black male counterparts can get us!

B: hmmm. why do black women glare so hard at black men and their non-black dates? why is your utter disdain so visible?

P: i was saying that we don't approve and we're not gonna fake like we do. plus you black males already know who we feel so the look should not come as a surprise

B: ok another question, why are you so upset with black men for not sharing your exclusivity?

P: dude it's just natural. cardinal birds have cardinal baby birds. lions do not mix with tigers even though they are feline.

B: that doesn't explain why you're upset. every other demographic dates and marries outside of their race at a higher rate than black women. why are you angry that black men don't share your opinion and back to the earlier glare issue...is it fair to the date to feel so uncomfortable about unspoken racial disappointment

P: that's a personal problem. you need to work on that with you girl. why all these questions?

B: actually it came up yesterday randomly in a conversation about black people yesterday and i started to think about it more independently. i texted you cause daniela was interested in the answer too

P: ah! was i any help?

B: not reeally cause "commonality" isn't exactly a clear answer

P: yeah it is. think outside the box. certain unspoken converstations that are related to common experieces...

B: okay posh why should i think out the box when you just say "commonality" and pull all that out? the word just means a shared attribute. so what attribute that is shared is so important that you won't consider outside the race. actually i've figured this out. i'm really more into the anger aspect

P: well if you figured out that one your own, i'm sure you're smart enough to figure out the anger component without my help... contact webster.

B: alright at what point do black women actually act on this anger? like when do you guys work to change the situation? or ladies rather?

P: change what situation? in an already established relationship? like you and yours?

B: like try to figure out why black men shun black women at such a high rate as to encourage anger? we date outside the race. we contribute to the highest rate of children born to unwed mothers. what straw has to break the camel's back before someone says "maybe i should consider another option"? or "why the hell aren't they checking for me and what can i do to change it?"

P: ummm...we know what the stats are although the men that you described are on the majority. we are hopeful to find the good men in teh bunch, who do exist. we know this because we see them with women of other races. the question is why have black men opted for the others?

B: cause they hate black women. which is why i am always amazed at why y'all still take it.

P: why do they HATE blackk women? that's a strong word and i'm sure those in that camp are few and far between.

B: right i took lessons from you on how to be dramatic. but since jack johnson was dating white girls at the start of the 20th century, its been a problem. that has only increased exponentially as integration has increased. personally i think there are a number of factors. black women have personality traits that scare off all men. black women are a reminder of something they are trying to get away from

P: or could it also be especially in the time of jack johnson that white was considered acheivement? what are they trying to get away from? this sounds more like a personal issue

B: black men are the biggest buyers of "white is right". no its not a personal issue since i actually like black women. i'm only repeating the sentiments of black men i have spoken too. black women are probably the strongest figures in the culture. they are actually starting to graduate at a rate higher than white males. but that strength is not subdued. and it is so strong, it just naturally clashes with what a man's mentality

P: you know...God created men first. Man sets the standard in all cultures. Women are reactionary, they follow the lean of the man...it's just the way God created us. If a black man wants to see the change...he needs to be the change he wants to see.

B: what change? and why would he really motivated to see it? why are you hopeful that they change their point of view without any impetus to do so whatseoever?

P: the impetus is within. black men, (the ones that you are talking about, the ones that i seldom see here in DC) don't want black women. believe it or not they treat white women differently. they have more tolerence and patience...maybe because it's different and new.

B: so black men are supposed to be magically motivated to treat black women out of nowhere
*better

P: well they treat white women as such. it's conditioning. if they were to treat white women as they do black, i'm sure the white women would react similiarly! women are women! some internalize others act out. some keep it under wraps while others don't. but nevertheless, they will react.

B: okay posh here's what i thonk you're missing; this is not communicated to black men

P: it's funny because black women continually speak this, but we're called angry. fine, we may be passionate about it, but the message is the same. men want to be men. however around black women, they're emasculated. maybe it's a black american thing? maybe it's the culture in this country

B: okay instead of anger, i should have said upset

P: semantic

B: so do you stay this upset? do you try to convince black men? sometimes i think its just a matter of strengthening black men

P: yes it is! but they're not really embrasive to the black women who try to do this. i do have to admit we have lost the tenderness and patience of our foremothers.

B: which i think is one of the things that scares off the black man. but i'm off to the gym. ciao

P is busy. You may be interrupting.