stream of consciousness

right now i'm a hott mess. i'm glad november is over but it's not done with. the events of november will pan out in this coming month.

first of all, i'm waiting for a sign and also praying that i'll be receptive to it regardless of how hard it may be.

second, november was by fare the most challenging month. i don't remember crying so often in my adult life. there were days when i cried 3 or 4 times. not out of sadness but of being overwhelmed. my faith is waning and i recognize it. i'm not leaning as much on Him mostly because i'm not ready to accept his plan for me. i have an agenda and i'm seeing that mine does not align with His! (breathe) letting go ain't no joke!

no one wants to be a failure and i sense that if indeed the Lord is nudging...rather firmly pushing my in one particular direction, i need not take the journey as a failure but focus on the destination. (this a bit cryptic, but i'm not sure i'm ready to voice what He's telling me. speaking puts things in existence)

so my goals for this month:

1. find a job (i may be willing to relocate)
2. take drastic steps toward completing my prerequisites for med school. register for chemII and physics and maybe bio.
3. work on this thing called faith
4. learn to let go
5. go with the flow and enjoy things for want they are (also cryptic)
6. get back onto running. i'm getting "soft" --not cool!

i'd like to start going to the gym, but it's so out of my way. baby steps!

stay with me here...

now there is the dilemma of the girl friends! they all have something to say about the men i'm dating! really? i'm not marrying any of them...a girl i did a summer medical fellowship with in 2000 is now married to a man who appears to be twice her age. he's white so he may actually be younger cause rumor has it that white folk don't age well. but she's married to an older, white man! i knew from back than that she has issues... be it daddy or otherwise, now they have come to manifest themselves! i'm not passing judgement! i'm happy for her and her new husband honestly, but i'm such things rarely last long term. enjoy it for what it is, i say!

n e how back to the girlfriends. why can't they just give some positive words. it's like as soon as i mention some dude the negativity comes spewing out! is this a reflection of themselves? are they just not happy and a bit bitter about relationships? whatever it is, i sometimes wish they would behave more like my male friends who take a much practical approach to these things. how about we try saying "dating is fun, la. enjoy it for what it is."

then there is the whole issue of defining "what it is." why? i have to admit that sometimes it crosses my mind to ask dudes "what is this? what are we?" but in all honestly i'm not sure if i'm ready to hear the response. plus, why does it have to be anything? why can't it just be what it is in that moment? we enjoy spending time with each other at that time. that's all there is to it!

given my track record, as soon as a label is attached to it, things begin to deteriorate. i feel pressured and the expectation (what i expect from myself and from him) skyrockets. next thing you know, it's NOT! we've been conditioned to label things, our way of understanding the way of the world, but like some one told me today the way of the world is not meant of us to fully understand.

as for now i'm enjoying the ride. i'm not sure what's around the bend or the corner but when i get there i'll decided it i'll stay on for the remainder of the ride.

kind of abrupt but this stream is officially dry.

til the next time,

posh

i think i may also dye my hair back to black. thanks retha!