Five Years At War

March 20th marked the fifth anniversary of this country's entry into Iraq. And while at points it has provided its triumphant moments, its mostly been a middling affair resulting in more loss than gain. Yet aimless as it may seem, the crusade continues, with no specific plan for change and no real goal.

Concurrently, I've been at war with myself. And just like the American campaign, its justification for existing is non-existent. It continues just as aimless and seemingly without an end. Funny enough, in my initial foray into blogging, I expressed a desire to avoid some of my father's negative traits. Yet four years after that post, I still find myself in mostly the same place. Sure there have been mini triumphs along the way, but I haven't even moved forward to the degree which should have been expected by now. In the parable with the businessman and his three servants, I have followed the example of the lone dismissal, burying my talents in the sand.

I'm pretty sure I have a fear of being successful, though I don't think I've really defined what success is exactly. I guess it's a fear of failing. At what, I don't know. But it's fear nonetheless and I need to figure it out. I am actually beginning to dread life and almost at the point where I do not like myself. For too long I let the minor things distract me from the big picture, but it really is time to figure things out and just move on with life, fail or not. At least I should try, just like the businessman said as he dismissed his worker.

Interesting enough, during this time my father has done tours in a war of his own. And when he's down, so am I, as far away as I try to get from it. Why are we so inextricably linked if we don't really get along? In my initial foray into blogging I mentioned a desire to be nothing like him, yet I find myself replicating some of his least wanted characteristics in my lesser moments. But his helplessness has affected me deeply and somehow its kept me from avoiding his same fate. I don't care if I am in counseling forever; I cannot go like this.

Five years is long enough. Morale is low. Its time to pull out the troops. Diplomacy is the way to bring about peace.