Five Years At War

March 20th marked the fifth anniversary of this country's entry into Iraq. And while at points it has provided its triumphant moments, its mostly been a middling affair resulting in more loss than gain. Yet aimless as it may seem, the crusade continues, with no specific plan for change and no real goal.

Concurrently, I've been at war with myself. And just like the American campaign, its justification for existing is non-existent. It continues just as aimless and seemingly without an end. Funny enough, in my initial foray into blogging, I expressed a desire to avoid some of my father's negative traits. Yet four years after that post, I still find myself in mostly the same place. Sure there have been mini triumphs along the way, but I haven't even moved forward to the degree which should have been expected by now. In the parable with the businessman and his three servants, I have followed the example of the lone dismissal, burying my talents in the sand.

I'm pretty sure I have a fear of being successful, though I don't think I've really defined what success is exactly. I guess it's a fear of failing. At what, I don't know. But it's fear nonetheless and I need to figure it out. I am actually beginning to dread life and almost at the point where I do not like myself. For too long I let the minor things distract me from the big picture, but it really is time to figure things out and just move on with life, fail or not. At least I should try, just like the businessman said as he dismissed his worker.

Interesting enough, during this time my father has done tours in a war of his own. And when he's down, so am I, as far away as I try to get from it. Why are we so inextricably linked if we don't really get along? In my initial foray into blogging I mentioned a desire to be nothing like him, yet I find myself replicating some of his least wanted characteristics in my lesser moments. But his helplessness has affected me deeply and somehow its kept me from avoiding his same fate. I don't care if I am in counseling forever; I cannot go like this.

Five years is long enough. Morale is low. Its time to pull out the troops. Diplomacy is the way to bring about peace.

The Cat that Lost Its Lives!

"scared of the illicit stipulations with a sensual girl in his apartment after hours"--Bighead said it best!

I recently had a three month affair with the CAT. He was a blast from my past, my first sexual encounter, same religion as me, and looked real good on paper, not to mention that he was handsome and firm in all the right places!

Question: how are you going to invite a girl over to your house, derive pleasure from her company, then kick her out at 2:30 am? any rational and sane person would say: girl he has no respect! he does not value that girl outside of someone that fulfills the role of a sex object!

twice in the last 3 months of our affair he has kicked me out. twice has he apologized for his actions. twice he felt the need to express regret! i have people in my life for over 5 years and they have never kicked me out, apologized for their actions or ever expressed regret about something we had done together (sexual and not).

the first time he used his three series approach i forgave and moved on. that was his fault. the second time, i snipped it in the behind, that was my fault. i did not give him the opportunity to have that cathartic experience at my expense. the third time...there won't be one! i have too much going for me, am too much of a great catch, to settle for a dude that can't manage something as fundamental as a human relationship! there are ways to treat people, he needs to figure that out.

one more thing i would like to mention about the CAT! he is hyper repressed. his favorite music: 60's 70's soul where the voices and the music is unadulterated and the theme of love is suggestive but not explicit. ideas on women's dress: headdresses are the best! relations with women: one time deal with a stranger while on vacation in the island! clearly he has not reconciled his natural heterosexual desires with his inherant love of his God and church! he wants what's natural, but thinks he'll be damned to hell. what a hypocrite! then he wants to pass judgment on others for what they MAKE him do! i stop here because i see how this may deteriorate into dark comedy and this is NOT a laughing matter!

so how does all of this equal a CAT loosing his last life? Well next time he calls or texts (i give him 2 weeks--his pattern) i will let it go to voicemail. Next time i hear from him, i'll remember being kick out at 2:30 in the morning!

Notes of Appreciation

Somewhere amidst my recent depression, I had the good idea to just open the Bible and read whatever was presented. Luckily, I was led to this lovely verse in The Message interpretation of the Bible:

"A miserable heart means a miserable life;
a cheerful heart fills the day with song."
Proverbs 15:15

Interesting enough, every other translation never mentions music. Instead, cheerful hearts are the hosts of a perpetual "feast" or "banquet". But I kind of like the idea of a music filled life leading to joy. Isn't good music part of any good feast or reception?

So I've discovered old playlists I used to frequent and rediscovered music that makes me move, makes me think. I've also discovered new ones that do the same. Some have been so poignant; they've acted as catalysts in the dialogue I've been having with myself. It's been a good time.

Just wanted to note the blessing

Things Revealed In The Last One Hundred Sixty Eight Hours

- Family is my biggest motivation in life. I love my family. It hurts me how much how often I cannot be with the little family I have. Or even on my terms. But that's my own doing and a whole other story. But I hope to have a family filled with love.

- I love God. He is so good . He has done so many things for me; more amazing, the instances I reference are a mere fraction of his total blessings. Most are unknown. I guess that's why a certain type of ignorance is bliss. Knowledge that His eye is watching miniscule sparrows is very comforting.

- Posh is a silly girl.

- Posh is trying to inundate herself with activities as to drown out the loneliness of being totally single for the first time in her adult life. She is a brave girl.

- When I am blue, I tend to sort a lot. I also get much more anal about cleanliness. These are elements I need to incorporate to my regular personality, notjust the low periods. But it is fun and therapeutic. Perhaps if it was regular routine I would never get as low as I had been again.

- I've been with my girlfriend for two months. I am very excited. I am committed to seeing this grow. It was liberating typing these thoughts. I am also excited I even wanted to share that. She is amazing.

- I need to be more social. I have friends that I truly care for, but my actions are nowhere near what they should be. I will change that.

- My father might not last much longer. But I began to fulfill a promise to my sister's mom to bring them together. Sis has a hole she wants to fill. Unexpectedly, she's helping me fill holes I didn't realize I had. And I love her so much.

- I love my family

- I think I will post here more often. Posh's encouragement was golden.

- God really is good.

- I need to grow up.

- I actually want to grow up.

- I want to grow up

- I need to pray

- I need you to pray for me

- I need to move
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Now playing: De La Soul - Church