So at my job the other day we had an all staff meeting. I have never been to this monthly event in during my 6 months there. So here i am, setting amidst my "colleagues" (i use that term loosely since i'm ONLY a temp, which my manager never fails to remind me). Any how, introductions are made by the CEO of the company, those who received promotions were acknowledged, and then...in rolled in the quad.
He gave a less then riveting speech (shouting out folk he knows, dropping names, incoherent rambles on how he loves the biotechnology community littered with all his accomplishments as a "regular" person in a wheelchair, born with a silver spoon in his mouth!) I must admit that his story is amazing: losing the ability to walk two weeks before he started as a freshmen at Syracuse to later attain a law degree from Washington College of Law.
So after his less than great speak in which he says closes by saying: "i would like to leave you all with this. If there is one thing that i have said that you need to take with you it's this. You may have heard of the Famous rapper named Eminem from Detroit. From his song "lose yourself" he says, and i hold this dear to me:
"Look, if you had one shot (pause)... or one opportunity (pause)
To seize everything you ever wanted (pause)... one moment
Would you capture it (pause)... or just let it slip?"
Think about it!
Friday, February 29, 2008
once every 4 years
we must acknowledge this day as it only comes once every 4 years. really have nothing to say, but wanted to capture the moment. til 2012...
(i knew that this year would have something special in store...pay attention to the signs!)
(i knew that this year would have something special in store...pay attention to the signs!)
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Right Man
Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
8 years later...
Girl is reintroduced to boy
Boy is reintroduced to girl.
and the conversation...
Boy: Wow! it's time! You NEED to visit the hair salon. Your hair looks bad. You really can't go to church with it looking like that.
Girl: Fine! You wanna pay for me to get it done?
Boy: Sure! How much is it?
Girl: Really?
Boy: Yeah. How much?
Girl: $60. Thanks... but ...what will you get out of it?
Boy: I get to admire your beauty. That's enough.
(50% of this conversation really did happen! can you guess which half didn't?)
Girl meets boy.
8 years later...
Girl is reintroduced to boy
Boy is reintroduced to girl.
and the conversation...
Boy: Wow! it's time! You NEED to visit the hair salon. Your hair looks bad. You really can't go to church with it looking like that.
Girl: Fine! You wanna pay for me to get it done?
Boy: Sure! How much is it?
Girl: Really?
Boy: Yeah. How much?
Girl: $60. Thanks... but ...what will you get out of it?
Boy: I get to admire your beauty. That's enough.
(50% of this conversation really did happen! can you guess which half didn't?)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
An Elaborate Co-Sign/Intertwined
While reading Posh's last post, I was nodding my head the whole way. Somewhere along the way, I finally got off the serial monogamy train. Solitude has never been hard for me though being raised as an only child. But these last couple of breaks have been especially rewarding. Something about the quiet. Its easier to reflect, to sift through all the minutiae and gunk that has built up and truly define yourself. When I broke up this time last year, it was like a burden was lifted. The mental equivalent of singing at the top of your lungs while prancing naked in your apartment.
And throughout this time I learned when I needed to bring my voice down, or put on some clothes cause it was getting too cold, or maybe that I wanted to dance. But getting more in love with myself along the way (have to continue the narcissism)
Now that I find myself back in the throes of romantic kinship, the sharpening that transpired during my solitude has come back rewarding in a plethora of ways. For one, its been a lot easier just to be myself without fear that I am compromising myself. When I choose to dance, literally or figuratively, I've been doing it without fear of repercussion. In no way am I under the delusion that I am immutable. Growth is a necessary component of life. Part of the reason that I think we desire companionship so much is that it is another extension of growth. But knowing what you need to work on, what you need to adapt, and more importantly what is absolute for you is beyond measurable value. That only can happen with solitude.
There is one benefit that I actually forgot until I got caught up again. Having someone appreciate the uncompromised you, peculiarities and flaws out there for everyone to see, is particularly fulfilling. And appreciating the differences in each other is just as rewarding as appreciating the similarities. I know I should stop singing, pick some damn clothes, and get some degrees under my belt. But actually being able to tell someone that and accept it. I'll describe it if I ever find the appropriate words. It is beautiful to know and love yourself; sharing yourself is just another beautiful experience.
Full disclosure: this is the honeymoon period. But the fact that the honeymoon is even taking place is remarkable because this is one of the most dismal periods of my life. It's an optimistic misery that has taken hold but still it hasn't been fun. When Ecclesiastes and Lamentations become real for you, it can be pretty bleak. But noticing the potential for sunshine has been uplifting, and my mental acuity was developed during my adventures across the universe of me. As I venture out, the experience is all the more rewarding.
I have high hopes for this one, even though its early. Part of it is that I am getting anxious about the whole thing. Time is a charmer and convinced Hair to run away with her. But being me is pretty easy with her and I can tell that being herself is natural in front of me as well, and that's hard to admit for both of us. It's nice finding out if we're right though.
----------------
Now playing: Reflection Eternal - The Blast (Extended Version)
And throughout this time I learned when I needed to bring my voice down, or put on some clothes cause it was getting too cold, or maybe that I wanted to dance. But getting more in love with myself along the way (have to continue the narcissism)
Now that I find myself back in the throes of romantic kinship, the sharpening that transpired during my solitude has come back rewarding in a plethora of ways. For one, its been a lot easier just to be myself without fear that I am compromising myself. When I choose to dance, literally or figuratively, I've been doing it without fear of repercussion. In no way am I under the delusion that I am immutable. Growth is a necessary component of life. Part of the reason that I think we desire companionship so much is that it is another extension of growth. But knowing what you need to work on, what you need to adapt, and more importantly what is absolute for you is beyond measurable value. That only can happen with solitude.
There is one benefit that I actually forgot until I got caught up again. Having someone appreciate the uncompromised you, peculiarities and flaws out there for everyone to see, is particularly fulfilling. And appreciating the differences in each other is just as rewarding as appreciating the similarities. I know I should stop singing, pick some damn clothes, and get some degrees under my belt. But actually being able to tell someone that and accept it. I'll describe it if I ever find the appropriate words. It is beautiful to know and love yourself; sharing yourself is just another beautiful experience.
Full disclosure: this is the honeymoon period. But the fact that the honeymoon is even taking place is remarkable because this is one of the most dismal periods of my life. It's an optimistic misery that has taken hold but still it hasn't been fun. When Ecclesiastes and Lamentations become real for you, it can be pretty bleak. But noticing the potential for sunshine has been uplifting, and my mental acuity was developed during my adventures across the universe of me. As I venture out, the experience is all the more rewarding.
I have high hopes for this one, even though its early. Part of it is that I am getting anxious about the whole thing. Time is a charmer and convinced Hair to run away with her. But being me is pretty easy with her and I can tell that being herself is natural in front of me as well, and that's hard to admit for both of us. It's nice finding out if we're right though.
----------------
Now playing: Reflection Eternal - The Blast (Extended Version)
Monday, February 18, 2008
Living Single
I don't think you can really appreciate companionship without ever being single. in my 24 years, i have never lived alone. I've always had a roommate and if they left for an extended period, i slept by a friend's house. One week from tomorrow marks my first week anniversary as a single women living in DC. I have to answer to no one but myself and God. That's a surreal feeling. For the past year and a half I have wanted to live alone and understand the experience first hand. [Anecdote: Last night I came out the shower, music playing "i will survive" (how fitting) and i preceded to mouth the lyrics silently! About half way through the song i questioned my motives for remaining silent. Who would i disturb with my Pro Art voice? NO ONE! I had no one to annoy, no one to consider, no one to offend! Coming to this realization i preceded to belt for the top of my lungs "so go ahead now. walk out the door. just turn around now cause you're not welcomed anymore!"]
Turn around cause unless your name is Posh , you're really un-welcomed for more than a brief visit!
Before my sister left, she warned me not to invite to many (men-es) folk over. That i needed to live single and learn how to be alone, which i believe is a natural process of maturing and development. It really would be so simple living in chocolate city to have a companion over at my beck and call. But where's the challenge in that? At which point would i be able to spend quality time with Posh? So i have decided to heed my big sister's advice and taking a break from the men-es!
If there is one thing i have realized is that it is too simple to get wrapped up in your lover or significant other. You start loosing yourself and next thing you know you are defined by the other person. Not to sound narcissistic, but i enjoy my company and really like myself. It would be a disservice to myself and my romantic interest to loose myself as our relationship grows. Until i'm really to stay true to myself despite it all, which i believe comes with spending time alone, I will not be ready to enter into a healthy long term relationship. Serial Monogamy is for the weak. I pride myself in being strong (some may say i'm a masochist).
Living single ain't easy. but like so many other things in our lives, we get through it. And who knows, maybe this is preparing me for something greater!
'til the next entry...keep living!
Turn around cause unless your name is Posh , you're really un-welcomed for more than a brief visit!
Before my sister left, she warned me not to invite to many (men-es) folk over. That i needed to live single and learn how to be alone, which i believe is a natural process of maturing and development. It really would be so simple living in chocolate city to have a companion over at my beck and call. But where's the challenge in that? At which point would i be able to spend quality time with Posh? So i have decided to heed my big sister's advice and taking a break from the men-es!
If there is one thing i have realized is that it is too simple to get wrapped up in your lover or significant other. You start loosing yourself and next thing you know you are defined by the other person. Not to sound narcissistic, but i enjoy my company and really like myself. It would be a disservice to myself and my romantic interest to loose myself as our relationship grows. Until i'm really to stay true to myself despite it all, which i believe comes with spending time alone, I will not be ready to enter into a healthy long term relationship. Serial Monogamy is for the weak. I pride myself in being strong (some may say i'm a masochist).
Living single ain't easy. but like so many other things in our lives, we get through it. And who knows, maybe this is preparing me for something greater!
'til the next entry...keep living!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Discourse:
A conversation between Posh and I from this morning about the dating preferences of Black men and women. Except for a couple corrected errors and bathroom breaks excised, it's unabridged
Posh: i thought about your question that night! i likened it to an adventist dating an atheist. you're both humans but it's the unspoken subtlies that make the difference.
Big Head: okay being a black woman why do you think collectively as a group you are the least likely to date outside your race
P: we're hopeful! we yearn for true companionship and intimacy...we're complex beings and maybe we feel only our black male counterparts can get us!
B: hmmm. why do black women glare so hard at black men and their non-black dates? why is your utter disdain so visible?
P: i was saying that we don't approve and we're not gonna fake like we do. plus you black males already know who we feel so the look should not come as a surprise
B: ok another question, why are you so upset with black men for not sharing your exclusivity?
P: dude it's just natural. cardinal birds have cardinal baby birds. lions do not mix with tigers even though they are feline.
B: that doesn't explain why you're upset. every other demographic dates and marries outside of their race at a higher rate than black women. why are you angry that black men don't share your opinion and back to the earlier glare issue...is it fair to the date to feel so uncomfortable about unspoken racial disappointment
P: that's a personal problem. you need to work on that with you girl. why all these questions?
B: actually it came up yesterday randomly in a conversation about black people yesterday and i started to think about it more independently. i texted you cause daniela was interested in the answer too
P: ah! was i any help?
B: not reeally cause "commonality" isn't exactly a clear answer
P: yeah it is. think outside the box. certain unspoken converstations that are related to common experieces...
B: okay posh why should i think out the box when you just say "commonality" and pull all that out? the word just means a shared attribute. so what attribute that is shared is so important that you won't consider outside the race. actually i've figured this out. i'm really more into the anger aspect
P: well if you figured out that one your own, i'm sure you're smart enough to figure out the anger component without my help... contact webster.
B: alright at what point do black women actually act on this anger? like when do you guys work to change the situation? or ladies rather?
P: change what situation? in an already established relationship? like you and yours?
B: like try to figure out why black men shun black women at such a high rate as to encourage anger? we date outside the race. we contribute to the highest rate of children born to unwed mothers. what straw has to break the camel's back before someone says "maybe i should consider another option"? or "why the hell aren't they checking for me and what can i do to change it?"
P: ummm...we know what the stats are although the men that you described are on the majority. we are hopeful to find the good men in teh bunch, who do exist. we know this because we see them with women of other races. the question is why have black men opted for the others?
B: cause they hate black women. which is why i am always amazed at why y'all still take it.
P: why do they HATE blackk women? that's a strong word and i'm sure those in that camp are few and far between.
B: right i took lessons from you on how to be dramatic. but since jack johnson was dating white girls at the start of the 20th century, its been a problem. that has only increased exponentially as integration has increased. personally i think there are a number of factors. black women have personality traits that scare off all men. black women are a reminder of something they are trying to get away from
P: or could it also be especially in the time of jack johnson that white was considered acheivement? what are they trying to get away from? this sounds more like a personal issue
B: black men are the biggest buyers of "white is right". no its not a personal issue since i actually like black women. i'm only repeating the sentiments of black men i have spoken too. black women are probably the strongest figures in the culture. they are actually starting to graduate at a rate higher than white males. but that strength is not subdued. and it is so strong, it just naturally clashes with what a man's mentality
P: you know...God created men first. Man sets the standard in all cultures. Women are reactionary, they follow the lean of the man...it's just the way God created us. If a black man wants to see the change...he needs to be the change he wants to see.
B: what change? and why would he really motivated to see it? why are you hopeful that they change their point of view without any impetus to do so whatseoever?
P: the impetus is within. black men, (the ones that you are talking about, the ones that i seldom see here in DC) don't want black women. believe it or not they treat white women differently. they have more tolerence and patience...maybe because it's different and new.
B: so black men are supposed to be magically motivated to treat black women out of nowhere
*better
P: well they treat white women as such. it's conditioning. if they were to treat white women as they do black, i'm sure the white women would react similiarly! women are women! some internalize others act out. some keep it under wraps while others don't. but nevertheless, they will react.
B: okay posh here's what i thonk you're missing; this is not communicated to black men
P: it's funny because black women continually speak this, but we're called angry. fine, we may be passionate about it, but the message is the same. men want to be men. however around black women, they're emasculated. maybe it's a black american thing? maybe it's the culture in this country
B: okay instead of anger, i should have said upset
P: semantic
B: so do you stay this upset? do you try to convince black men? sometimes i think its just a matter of strengthening black men
P: yes it is! but they're not really embrasive to the black women who try to do this. i do have to admit we have lost the tenderness and patience of our foremothers.
B: which i think is one of the things that scares off the black man. but i'm off to the gym. ciao
P is busy. You may be interrupting.
Posh: i thought about your question that night! i likened it to an adventist dating an atheist. you're both humans but it's the unspoken subtlies that make the difference.
Big Head: okay being a black woman why do you think collectively as a group you are the least likely to date outside your race
P: we're hopeful! we yearn for true companionship and intimacy...we're complex beings and maybe we feel only our black male counterparts can get us!
B: hmmm. why do black women glare so hard at black men and their non-black dates? why is your utter disdain so visible?
P: i was saying that we don't approve and we're not gonna fake like we do. plus you black males already know who we feel so the look should not come as a surprise
B: ok another question, why are you so upset with black men for not sharing your exclusivity?
P: dude it's just natural. cardinal birds have cardinal baby birds. lions do not mix with tigers even though they are feline.
B: that doesn't explain why you're upset. every other demographic dates and marries outside of their race at a higher rate than black women. why are you angry that black men don't share your opinion and back to the earlier glare issue...is it fair to the date to feel so uncomfortable about unspoken racial disappointment
P: that's a personal problem. you need to work on that with you girl. why all these questions?
B: actually it came up yesterday randomly in a conversation about black people yesterday and i started to think about it more independently. i texted you cause daniela was interested in the answer too
P: ah! was i any help?
B: not reeally cause "commonality" isn't exactly a clear answer
P: yeah it is. think outside the box. certain unspoken converstations that are related to common experieces...
B: okay posh why should i think out the box when you just say "commonality" and pull all that out? the word just means a shared attribute. so what attribute that is shared is so important that you won't consider outside the race. actually i've figured this out. i'm really more into the anger aspect
P: well if you figured out that one your own, i'm sure you're smart enough to figure out the anger component without my help... contact webster.
B: alright at what point do black women actually act on this anger? like when do you guys work to change the situation? or ladies rather?
P: change what situation? in an already established relationship? like you and yours?
B: like try to figure out why black men shun black women at such a high rate as to encourage anger? we date outside the race. we contribute to the highest rate of children born to unwed mothers. what straw has to break the camel's back before someone says "maybe i should consider another option"? or "why the hell aren't they checking for me and what can i do to change it?"
P: ummm...we know what the stats are although the men that you described are on the majority. we are hopeful to find the good men in teh bunch, who do exist. we know this because we see them with women of other races. the question is why have black men opted for the others?
B: cause they hate black women. which is why i am always amazed at why y'all still take it.
P: why do they HATE blackk women? that's a strong word and i'm sure those in that camp are few and far between.
B: right i took lessons from you on how to be dramatic. but since jack johnson was dating white girls at the start of the 20th century, its been a problem. that has only increased exponentially as integration has increased. personally i think there are a number of factors. black women have personality traits that scare off all men. black women are a reminder of something they are trying to get away from
P: or could it also be especially in the time of jack johnson that white was considered acheivement? what are they trying to get away from? this sounds more like a personal issue
B: black men are the biggest buyers of "white is right". no its not a personal issue since i actually like black women. i'm only repeating the sentiments of black men i have spoken too. black women are probably the strongest figures in the culture. they are actually starting to graduate at a rate higher than white males. but that strength is not subdued. and it is so strong, it just naturally clashes with what a man's mentality
P: you know...God created men first. Man sets the standard in all cultures. Women are reactionary, they follow the lean of the man...it's just the way God created us. If a black man wants to see the change...he needs to be the change he wants to see.
B: what change? and why would he really motivated to see it? why are you hopeful that they change their point of view without any impetus to do so whatseoever?
P: the impetus is within. black men, (the ones that you are talking about, the ones that i seldom see here in DC) don't want black women. believe it or not they treat white women differently. they have more tolerence and patience...maybe because it's different and new.
B: so black men are supposed to be magically motivated to treat black women out of nowhere
*better
P: well they treat white women as such. it's conditioning. if they were to treat white women as they do black, i'm sure the white women would react similiarly! women are women! some internalize others act out. some keep it under wraps while others don't. but nevertheless, they will react.
B: okay posh here's what i thonk you're missing; this is not communicated to black men
P: it's funny because black women continually speak this, but we're called angry. fine, we may be passionate about it, but the message is the same. men want to be men. however around black women, they're emasculated. maybe it's a black american thing? maybe it's the culture in this country
B: okay instead of anger, i should have said upset
P: semantic
B: so do you stay this upset? do you try to convince black men? sometimes i think its just a matter of strengthening black men
P: yes it is! but they're not really embrasive to the black women who try to do this. i do have to admit we have lost the tenderness and patience of our foremothers.
B: which i think is one of the things that scares off the black man. but i'm off to the gym. ciao
P is busy. You may be interrupting.
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