it has been brought to my attention that i lack balance in my life. i remember a few years back the year i turned 21 while at the MATCH, one of my colleagues in reference to me said "when you do something, you do it HARDCORE." this comment was in reference to a party...go figure. but this statement came from someone who hadn't known me for more than a few months.
my consternation comes from the fact that i know her statement is a half truth. i don't do everything hardcore; i only do certain things (many of which are trivial) with 100% devotion. why is this?
there are countless excuses that i could rationalize, but it comes down to fear.
fear of failure: if you don't fully invest in something, damage and pain is minimized should anything negative happen. partying is not much of an investment. a good time was directly related to the number of drinks. desiring an A in a class and gaining a grasps on the material presented is a much greater investment. failure in this case cannot be an option. i have a future riding on my performance, my family and friends all holding me accountable and all supporting me. they all seem to have confidence in my, yet do i? maybe it's not so much fear of failure as it is lack of confidence.
i also lack consistency. i may be vested in something, but my commitment does not last more than, at most, a few months. parties...a few hours of fun, then everyone goes back to their regularly scheduled program. exercise for instance is completely different. i'll do it consistently, see and enjoy the health rewards, but after a few months, i quit. why? i go grocery shopping. i buy food that i enjoy. after two days i no longer return to the fridge and all my purchases rot. it's the same principle and the same can be said about so many other aspects of my life. i start something, enjoy doing it, then in a blink of an eye i abandon it despite it's positive effects. why?
i'm getting older, but not necessarily wiser i feel. i recognize the problem, but do not know where it stems or how to address it.
i try to look back on the past 24 years and image what time in my life was the most stable. at what point do i realize that things are out of control? for those of you that know me, your insight is most welcomed. although i pride myself in introspection, sometimes and observe can offer more insight.
to be continued.
conflicted and confused,
posh
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2 comments:
hmmm...scratching my head in search of what I think is the right thing to say...I got nothing. Sowie. Well, maybe you haven't found your "great inspiration", I think we all have one. Something that will require your consistent devotion and make you want to follow through. Good luck and let me know what you come up with because I suffer from these very issues sometimes. P.S. I thought I was the only one with the food rotting problem..whew, I'm almost glad I'm not alone. :)
my issues are a bit more complex then those you work with on a regular basis in CA! :-) but that's for trying to figure it out!
i do have to say that when looking back on the last 24 years, my most stable, balanced and committed times were when i was in a great relationship. (but that's a whole different issue!)
btw: mel is moving back in so i don't anticipate having anymore rotten food in the fridge!
holla back youngin!
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