stuck in a rut

and i'm not referring to male mammals fighting to mate with me! although that would be nice...we could learn a lot from the aminimals. :) but on a more serious note, i find myself stuck in a rut and too scared to get out of it. since august 05 i've been waitressing. i'm actually referred to myself as a professional waitress. there 's is nothing wrong with this job and i know there are many folk out there who have made a lucrative career out of it, but that path is not for me. i am comfortable serving people there food but am totally over qualified to make a career out of it.

why have a chosen to be stuck in this rut? i was doing some thinking, with help of bighead (realize he told me nothing i had not already figured out!) and there are few things that keep me where i am. 1) i am scared of commitment. waitressing there is no one year contract you have to sign. at any point i can pull a no show and end time working in the restaurant. i have this fear that i will be stuck in a job that makes me completely miserable. if that is the case i know my distain for my job will bleed into all aspects of my life cause i'm one of those that wears where expressions on her sleeve. 2) i fear that i'm not well equipped for this hypothetical professional job. (i know...it makes no sense) i'm getting my masters at a pretty decent university that specialized in public affairs. in all honestly i could not have been accepted into a better institution for what it is i think i may want to do. on top of it, i'm in DC, public affairs capital of the world! but in my mind all i see is having received an AUC education--not to say it was a bad one, but it was not harvard or columbia (where i originally wanted to attend). what's crazy is that post college all my professional peers have been from the "top" schools and we both ended up in the same place. AUC should not be a crutch, but it's hard for me to let it go. i guess underneath it all i can't shake the feeling that my educational growth and potential was somehow stunted. i never had a chance to prove to myself that i could compete with those who attended "top" schools. but wait...i have had a chance to prove this. either way it stems from AUC and i need to shake it off. 3) i don't want to be rejected. waitressing is safe. being denied a job at one restaurant is not a direct blow to one's intellect or ability. you can always go next door and apply at the competition. i don't want to know that or feel that i was inadequate and for it i was denied a job. i know my ability, but i'm having a hard time convincing myself of it. 4) and i think the last reason, it that i do not know what i want to do with my life. until i figure it out, i'll waste time waitressing. yeah i need JESUS! pray for me cause growing up ain't easy!