$125 Investment for the Future

"i believe the children are the future" i know i should have left this one for bighead to comment on, but i could not resist and plus he knows how i feel about supporting our children!

Updated: 5/30/07 - 9:00 a.m.

Posh is a hater. One of my boys at work is a talented artist. Last year, he had some of his work shown as part of an exhibition in Boston. He is also trying to do restitution since he damaged some stuff at his house. Now he offered to do restitution on his own and I thought that was pretty responsible of him. One day, our program director, his mom, and I were having a conversation and he mentioned that an exception would be granted to a oraganization rule about money exchange between staff and residents so he could sell his art and start to do his work. I mean it's obvious it's art and furthermore his ideas are pretty mature. So one day he showed me the Hendrix picture at the top and I said I would buy it. And then I asked him to paint me a picture of any one holding a mic. Wouldn't you know he did a Google search and happened upon Black Thought, which is probably in my top 3 for personal favorites? (And he likes the Roots now too so bonus) Yes I did pay $125 but it's art work. Plus I wanted to give him some incentive to continue and at least one of the pieces was totally customized to my taste. Posh would rather me spend money on cases of Haterade for her but I like to give to worthy causes like making sure this kid has something to do and is causing less havoc to every person he encounters. It's worth the cash.

stuck in a rut

and i'm not referring to male mammals fighting to mate with me! although that would be nice...we could learn a lot from the aminimals. :) but on a more serious note, i find myself stuck in a rut and too scared to get out of it. since august 05 i've been waitressing. i'm actually referred to myself as a professional waitress. there 's is nothing wrong with this job and i know there are many folk out there who have made a lucrative career out of it, but that path is not for me. i am comfortable serving people there food but am totally over qualified to make a career out of it.

why have a chosen to be stuck in this rut? i was doing some thinking, with help of bighead (realize he told me nothing i had not already figured out!) and there are few things that keep me where i am. 1) i am scared of commitment. waitressing there is no one year contract you have to sign. at any point i can pull a no show and end time working in the restaurant. i have this fear that i will be stuck in a job that makes me completely miserable. if that is the case i know my distain for my job will bleed into all aspects of my life cause i'm one of those that wears where expressions on her sleeve. 2) i fear that i'm not well equipped for this hypothetical professional job. (i know...it makes no sense) i'm getting my masters at a pretty decent university that specialized in public affairs. in all honestly i could not have been accepted into a better institution for what it is i think i may want to do. on top of it, i'm in DC, public affairs capital of the world! but in my mind all i see is having received an AUC education--not to say it was a bad one, but it was not harvard or columbia (where i originally wanted to attend). what's crazy is that post college all my professional peers have been from the "top" schools and we both ended up in the same place. AUC should not be a crutch, but it's hard for me to let it go. i guess underneath it all i can't shake the feeling that my educational growth and potential was somehow stunted. i never had a chance to prove to myself that i could compete with those who attended "top" schools. but wait...i have had a chance to prove this. either way it stems from AUC and i need to shake it off. 3) i don't want to be rejected. waitressing is safe. being denied a job at one restaurant is not a direct blow to one's intellect or ability. you can always go next door and apply at the competition. i don't want to know that or feel that i was inadequate and for it i was denied a job. i know my ability, but i'm having a hard time convincing myself of it. 4) and i think the last reason, it that i do not know what i want to do with my life. until i figure it out, i'll waste time waitressing. yeah i need JESUS! pray for me cause growing up ain't easy!

Posh Never Leaves Home Without A Camera

Some selections from the weekend so far.

Supercalafrajalisticespealedocious

Hopefully I spelled that right. It was Posh's idea for a post. But I can't complain cause I can't come up with anything better. It's just perfect the way it is.

And that's pretty much how this weekend has been. The way it is, well, it's just great. I'm actually in the nation's capital as we speak. Posh is to my side talking nonsensically about the weight of a pillow but that's just her. It's beautiful. I'm enjoying it immensely. And we just laughed about the unspeakable. And we laugh about the silliest of things.

If you actually read this regularly, you've noticed the posts have died down in frequency. As with life, many factors contributed to this. Posh was overwhelmed with school. I've been overwhelmed with life, like seeing my sister for the first time in 12 years. Another big factor was the fact that the strain of not seeing each other for an extended period, combined with our limited communication due to our respective responsibilities has had us at each other's throats. Okay, I was at her throat. But I missed her and well that's how I managed it. Counterintuitive I know, but hey I'm getting better at admitting it and being honest about it sooner. Quietly and without words, we came to a silent agreement to talk as minimally as possible this week in anticipation of my arrival.

It worked perfectly, for in this scenario absence did make the heart fonder. And within 45 minutes we were in a Chinatown Starbucks arguing about the allocation of resources in urban communities. It's been beautiful ever since. We walked the streets of D.C. yesterday and had a ball and even weathered unexpected and draining guests to have quite the dance party last night. I did lose the chain that my favorite boy from work ever gave me in the midst. But this morning she let me know it was okay to cry about it. And I did quietly as I brushed my teeth. But the comfort and warmth that she tries to hide, but are so beautiful when she exhibits them has been in full effect.

It seems this has evolved into a dissertation. And Posh is looking at me with eyes that make we want to kiss her. Which I just did. And her hand is on my face and tugging my ear and she's talking about ice cream. So I guess it's time to go. And she's making fun of my shaving rituals. And she's threatening to use that same pillow as a suicide enabler or a murder weapon and I avoid the police at every step I possibly can.

Off to enjoy the rest of my day.

Maybe I Should Keep This To Myself

Well I was on the train today and I got to thinking. Yeah dangerous territory I know but I can't suppress it all the time. Now think about the things about the opposite sex (or same considering your orientation) that turn you on. Like for the more intimate moments. I won't be shy and say that a woman rocking some bad ass heels with a sick set of gams can get my mind racing. But when you think about it, they're not really that integral in the actual act of intercourse. Not even like the oral version.

And it's like this for most things that attract us for those moments. Even when you say something like breasts or whatever, they never specifically cause you pleasure. It's something that your mind develops over time. When you grab the breast, she feels the pleasure directly; the man (or lady) might get pleasure from knowing that the receiver is getting pleasure or the sheer knowledge of being allowed to be so intimate but it's not a definite physical thing. You never go around hearing "Hey I wonder what that girl's nani looks like?" or "That guy better have some significant equipment." Well at least you don't in daylight. Hopefully.

Just a thought. It was hot today.

Growing Pains

caring of someone ain't easy. you care for someone, you place expectations on them. placing those expectations are natural but the flip side of those is disappointment. it's the fear of this disappointment that has kept me from really caring about any one that was not blood related. similarly, i can credit disappoint as making me very tolerant and understand of the actions that those closest to me choose to engage in. it's not that i expect less, but i refuse to let disappointment hinder or be an obstacle in forging on with relationships. yes i do get disappointed. i get vexed. i outline everything that is a contributor to my anger and let the other person know. regardless, once i let them know i keep the relationship moving forward. i don't like retrieving event of the past because that is where they belong, but if the situation is grave enough i will dig. digging is very delicate. it can either cause realization or resentment. i would much prefer to grow from the past instead of dwelling on it.

this is how i operate and shouldn't expect those closest to me to do the same. maybe i should consider how those closest to me operate. (something for me to work on) i'm not perfect i know this, but i try to be understanding which is something that i EXPECT from those around me.

relationships requires much patience and selflessness. i'm working on both. care to join me?