In The Midst

Stepping back from my life, I've realized that if I was freaking out right now it would be perfectly justifiable.

Let's check out the scene.

• My father has just reached his 60th birthday but is health is shaky and seemingly in the decline.
• The organization I work for is losing clients much faster than we are taking them in and our endowment has dropped 20% with the current market. The initial round of layoffs begins this week with more likely in the summer.
• Oh yeah. My house burned down less than 2 months ago and I am still in the process of rebuilding and recovery.
  

Freak out is sooooooooooooooooooooo justifiable.

But honestly I have been doing well. The peace that surpasses all understanding has been with me for the most part. I break down sometimes when someone gives me a gift or when I'm writing a thank you note and realize how deep it really is but those have been kept in check.

Well that is until yesterday. I woke up at 7:30, sat straight up, and proceeded to question whether my job was one of the ones in jeopardy. When I went to sleep, it wasn't even a concern. But I just couldn't shake it. And my intestines started to twist with the agonizing possibilities. I tried to distract myself but was completely inept. I mostly just stared at the screen.

One friend came online and suggested I talk to my program director. I called but no one answered. I didn't leave a message cause I was sure I would sound like a lunatic. And all it did was make the tension worse. I texted my mother, who suggested I channel my energy into finding other possible avenues of employment. I really didn't like this suggestion, as logical as it was, cause it felt like I was admitting defeat.

But she did follow up that text with a verse to look up.

Philippians 4: 6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (New International Version)

or The Message take
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

That let me feel a better. I threw up a scattered prayer and tried to do something. That only led to Facebook. But on that blasted news feed, one of the friends I had surprisingly hedged on since we had maybe 2 classes together towards the end of school had posted a note. I could tell it was spiritual in nature and Mom's verse had me thinking this was where it was at. And it was probably the Spirit leading me as well but it was the most perfect devotion she had shared. The first line was: I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me; thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God. (Psalm 40:17)

How awesome is that!

I won't say that I was at ease. But I was able to put up loads of pictures that I was previously hampered to move. And somewhere I got the wherewithal to write the e-mail to my professors that I have promised for close to 3 years. It actually looks like I will be done with my degree requirements this summer. And as much as I was anxious about work, I still went about my business. And it was an excellent day. My boys did well. I got to chat with my fellow supervisor. Basically all my fears were allayed at the end of the day and throughout the day I didn't even notice they had dissipated.

All after that scattered prayer.

There's a lot still to sort out. Life still seems like a quagmire of just stuff. I'm not sure I fully touched on everything I could touch on. But I do have promise and some semblance of peace, for now, and really that's enough to keep moving forward.

Let's get it.