This Maturity Thing

A couple of weeks ago, I attended the Black History Celebration at my elementary school alma mater. Its something I participated in....let's see....every year I went to school there. It's a pageant of sorts where there are speeches, recitations, and songs by the children. In the back, my mom was helping with a fund-raising bake sale and I felt compelled to help. As they prepared, one of the mothers spoke of how a sister institution had used Facebook to help raise money. Here is where my closeness with my parents and my need to educate them backfires. I just explained Facebook a couple of times but now she offered my name for assistance. I quietly hoped it was a dream and kept pouring cups of punch diligently. But that mom chatted me up intermittently for the rest of the night, talking about the possibilities for such a drive.

She was pretty pleasant too and also asked about my history with the institution. When she asked me what year I had graduated, that's when it hit me. June will mark 15 years since I left the 8th grade. My goodness. She then asked "So how's adulthood treating you?" What a question. It's only recently I've started to accept and desired to embrace this adulthood, maturity.

But its taken me this long to start to get comfortable with myself. Last weekend, I busied myself about the island of Manhattan mostly going to events associated with Armory Art Week. And it was just a simple reminder of what I used to like to do. I'm not sure where I lost it, that spark to discover, to appreciate. And not just the arts, but life. All of a sudden I'm back to reading real articles and (gasp!) real books. Why was I not challenging myself all this time?

Maybe because it would be acknowledging that I was capable of more. Maybe its because I knew it would be more work and who wants more work. And not being certain of how much one is worth makes every decision that much more scary. But now these childish ways I dwelled in are starting to get tiresome. And nothing happens if you don't try. And really this isn't that hard. One step at a time and everything will work out.

But all this mind stimulation has been wonderful and this is what one of the underrated aspects of adulthood is. At this stage, this is where you can start to put everything together. It's true it can get confusing as all Hades out there. Sometimes I feel like I am in the center of a full speed centrifuge. But its also exciting. And right now I am ill equipped to enjoy everything it has to offer. I won't narrow this to a year. This time in my life is the time to truly examine the things that I enjoy and discover the things I will enjoy. It's about being responsible and thinking about the long term. The here and now is crazy but something positive can be drawn out of the chaos.

I need to be more sharing though. I think returning to this is a beginning to that. I need to be less afraid of sharing myself. For some reason I think I used to be ashamed of some of my interests or practices, who knows why. But I am who I am. But honestly I think I was just overthinking the whole ordeal. I'm going out more. I'm reconnecting. This hermit crap has got to be over. Going out with my sister twice illustrated that. There is so much to experience that I have been missing out on.

I might include old blogs I meant to write. I was writing in my absence but I just never felt so comfortable in my ideas. Once again I am not sure where all this anxiety derived from but I'm so glad I have begun to shake it off. Those will be tagged something clever once I think of it.

I anticipate a wonderful journey, though it may be arduous and even more confusing at times. I have tough decisions to make but I plan to enjoy myself along the way in this growth process.

In The Midst

Stepping back from my life, I've realized that if I was freaking out right now it would be perfectly justifiable.

Let's check out the scene.

• My father has just reached his 60th birthday but is health is shaky and seemingly in the decline.
• The organization I work for is losing clients much faster than we are taking them in and our endowment has dropped 20% with the current market. The initial round of layoffs begins this week with more likely in the summer.
• Oh yeah. My house burned down less than 2 months ago and I am still in the process of rebuilding and recovery.
  

Freak out is sooooooooooooooooooooo justifiable.

But honestly I have been doing well. The peace that surpasses all understanding has been with me for the most part. I break down sometimes when someone gives me a gift or when I'm writing a thank you note and realize how deep it really is but those have been kept in check.

Well that is until yesterday. I woke up at 7:30, sat straight up, and proceeded to question whether my job was one of the ones in jeopardy. When I went to sleep, it wasn't even a concern. But I just couldn't shake it. And my intestines started to twist with the agonizing possibilities. I tried to distract myself but was completely inept. I mostly just stared at the screen.

One friend came online and suggested I talk to my program director. I called but no one answered. I didn't leave a message cause I was sure I would sound like a lunatic. And all it did was make the tension worse. I texted my mother, who suggested I channel my energy into finding other possible avenues of employment. I really didn't like this suggestion, as logical as it was, cause it felt like I was admitting defeat.

But she did follow up that text with a verse to look up.

Philippians 4: 6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (New International Version)

or The Message take
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

That let me feel a better. I threw up a scattered prayer and tried to do something. That only led to Facebook. But on that blasted news feed, one of the friends I had surprisingly hedged on since we had maybe 2 classes together towards the end of school had posted a note. I could tell it was spiritual in nature and Mom's verse had me thinking this was where it was at. And it was probably the Spirit leading me as well but it was the most perfect devotion she had shared. The first line was: I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me; thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God. (Psalm 40:17)

How awesome is that!

I won't say that I was at ease. But I was able to put up loads of pictures that I was previously hampered to move. And somewhere I got the wherewithal to write the e-mail to my professors that I have promised for close to 3 years. It actually looks like I will be done with my degree requirements this summer. And as much as I was anxious about work, I still went about my business. And it was an excellent day. My boys did well. I got to chat with my fellow supervisor. Basically all my fears were allayed at the end of the day and throughout the day I didn't even notice they had dissipated.

All after that scattered prayer.

There's a lot still to sort out. Life still seems like a quagmire of just stuff. I'm not sure I fully touched on everything I could touch on. But I do have promise and some semblance of peace, for now, and really that's enough to keep moving forward.

Let's get it.