boredum

this is the third day at work that i am out of my mind bored! 8 hours never seemed so long until this week. there really is nothing to do in the committee office and everyone is on pause until next wednesday when we have the go-ahead to pack of the main office.

in eight hours, there are only so many blog posts and newspaper articles one can read. i can only what youtube videos for so long before i feel my brain start to atrophy. i can't really talk on the phone cause 1) i work in a section of a larger room with other co-workers and i don't want them to hear my convo and 2) everyone i know is themselves at work!

i have had time to get some of my volunteer work done, but that does not take 8 hours to complete. i just feel like i could be doing something more productive with my time like, start packing up my apt or going to the gym. i learned during my first "real" job that you are not expected to work for 8 hours in the day. you're simply expected to be available for those hours. being available is messing with the psyche.

then i feel guilty if i were to study for my final or apply for jobs. i'm on the public's dollar yet i'm doing personal stuff. i'm somewhat conflicted because i'm getting paid to do my personal business. that is somewhat dishonest. (yes i am that good!) trust that DC has enough issues so that no one working for the gov't can even spare an hour for lunch! but here i am blogging during work hours! go figure.

well i must go back to doing nothing

power of love

dear bighead,

you know i love you and because of my love for you, your words and opinions have a greater impact on me. i value you, maybe a bit too much, which is why during our gchat today i got really annoyed with you.

you know that i'm one to look at the whole picture before making a diagnosis. you also know that i'm my hardest critic and that i take much pride in being introspective. yet, a chunk of what you had to say in our convo was directed to how it was my fault; i had pass judgement in a preachy/lecturey way. i will admit that i should have told you the whole story, but really, it's gchat! you've known me long enough and it was my assumption that you would have been able to just pick up where i started. grown folk have told me about these "ass-u-mptions."

regardless, this letter is to say, that i was annoyed with you because in your pragmatic way, you ALWAYS need to figure it out and in figuring it out you must place the blame on someone/something. very seldom do you share the blame or place it on yourself. you placed the blame on me. this time around why couldn't you just be my bff and offer me words of comfort. i would have settled for probing questions that would have allowed me the chance to see the story from your perpective. but coming out and in your eloqunet manner placing the blame on me was not the right move.

there's a time for everything. a time to be a comforter, a friend, an accuser, a conscience... today was the time to be a friend and not judge, not point fingers, not indicate personal flaws.

this is why you got me all riled up.

with sadness,

posh

tis the season

for holiday parties and holiday shows! my time is long overdue for the nutcracker. i was in it as a child. guess who/what i was? with pride i was the best mouse on stage! don't sleep on my acting/ballet skills! :-) clearly i am no longer spending my time on stage rather i prefer to watch others. i saw the nutcracker a few years back in boston and i want to see it again. if you have never seen it, i strongly recommend you get out there and do so. tickets of course are a bit pricey, but it's so worth it! there are adaptations to the ballet: hip hop, jazz then you have the costume adaptations like victorian or contemporary. whatever your preference, just watch it; it's guaranteed to be a wonderful musical and visual experience.

now that my life appears to be back on track i would like to go to more plays, ballets, show and theatre events. i love the art and i love them more because i lack the artistic ability. on my list is RENT. i watched it for the first time in boston at the wang when i was 16 years old. i had no idea what the story was about, but i knew i loved the song "seasons of love." boy was i in for a shock when the themes and subject matters were revealed. i was not braced for that at all and because of my nievity i was unable to fully enjoy the plot line, music, set design or the overall experience. i think it's time for a redo. this season was the last for the broadway show. luckily for me i live in DC where RENT will be starting it's 10th season early next year! you betcha i'll have my ticket in hand!

measured in love,

posh

i'm sick of it.

i'm sick of the city! i'm sick of listening to loud obnoxious youth and adults talking about bullshi# in their inconsequential lives. i'm sick of listening to folk snap/pop their gum in non-public and confine spaces. i'm sick of seeing prosti-tots dressed in their short shorts skirts in the dead of winter. uggs with the mini skirt need to be a considered a public disturbance. i'm sick of cigarette smoke. i'm sick of crowded buses and trains. i'm sick of seeing homeless folk. i'm sick of seeing able bodied men and women a like just stooping. i'm sick of traffic. i'm sick of stop lights. i'm sick of the rancid order on 4th and E ST, NW. i'm sick of circling the block three times before i find an illegal parking spot. i'm sick of not being able to see the stars at night. i'm sick of having roads blocked off because the president needs to travel 8 blocks from his house to the capitol. i'm sick of it all. i'm sick of inflated rent. i'm sick of pretense. i'm sick of "hi shawdy." i'm sick of you DC!

(relections while riding the metro home from class)

posh

black female misunderstood

i am insensitive
i am shy
i am reserved
i am impulsive
i am insecure
i am fiscally irresponsible
i am loving
i am abupt
i am loving
i am a realist
i am loyal
i am sensual
i am trustworthy
i am fun loving

i am a contradiction
i am a traveler
i am evolving
i am jealous
i am me

but nowhere in this list can anyone insert "negative!" to the texter of "i need to stop sharing my personal biz with u cuz for some reason you just feel the need to be negative and make personal attacks..." i'm sorry you feel this way.

i am...misunderstood.

posh

the joneses can kiss my @$$!

CLICK ON THE PICTURE!

Thanks everyone for your insight and word of encouragement! so i'm not moving back home, i'm rough it out here in DC. i'll have to change my life style and focus, but i'm appreciating the moment for what it is.

this is the breakdown...as i perceive it. i have not been able to get a job in public administration because i'm not suppose to. however, there are jobs out there in public health and health care that are available and in lined with my professional aspirations. besides, i should be actively pursuing my medical degree.

also, i will be moving out of my apartment because my rent is equal to mortgage payments for a two bedroom condo in the city. whatever job i'll get, i will not be making enough $ to pay my current rent, this i have resigned myself to. and if indeed i do bank, then i'll be able to save! either way it's a win/win situation. i plan on moving into a cheaper apartment which may not be in the illustrious capital hill (ward 6) part of town. here i come ward 5, 7 and 8 (no offense).

i believe the hardest part is "starting over" and taking what i think are steps backwards. whereas many of my colleagues are moving forward in their respective professions, i'm having to start all over heading in a complete opposite direction. it's hard no being able to buy the nice things when i'm at this age and education level where i should be. it's even harder having to take an entry level position when the pay is far beneath my knowledge,skills and abilities. that's what will happen as i pursue a job in health care. but you know what? it's all good. in a year and one half i'll be starting my professional career. making the sacrifice now and not being able to keep up with the joneses is all right by me because i know that my current position is not permanent. it's just hard to humble oneself. i'm a need my friends who are keeping up with the joneses to understand and support me. thanks in advance.

so here's to the future!

posh

is giving up ever an option?

"never give up" is what i was told during my formative education. while working at the MATCH, everyday as the students walked into the building they would recite the school's motto after the greeter would ask what does it take to learn " courage, discipline and perseverance." if ever i needed a mantra, it's right now.

so this is the burden on my heart (the prior post will make more sense now). i will be out of a job in a few weeks (this we all know), i do not have another job lined up (also not news, i want to complete my prerequisites for med school as soon as possible and i love independence and DC. living and going to school cost money and if i don't have a job=income, how am i to live ALONE in DC? i was flirting with the idea of going back home to south la (lancaster) or the ATL with my mom at the start of next year. to leave DC i would be leaving the following:

1. pathfinder obligation (10 awesome kids)
2. the best home church ever!
3. independence
4. home as a haven
5. great young adult adventists
6. culture and nightlife one bus ride away
7. 1K+ rent
8. $200+ car insurance
9. dating
10. a great city
11. osh kosh in summer of 09
12. temperate climate

what i would be gaining:
1. free room and board
2. possible job with some local organization or even gov't
3. i'd be closer to two of my best friends
4. completing my prerequisites ahead of schedule (it's not really ahead of schedule. regardless of where i am i would need to complete Orgo starting the fall of 09 to be completed spring 10 whereby entering med school fall 2010. no matter how i slice it i'll be in med school fall 2010)
5. closer to family
6. fewer bills (save money)

here is my dilema. how do i know what i need to do? this is the sign i've been asking Him for. i need some guidance cause i'm lost! never give up, am i being stubborn when i shouldn't be? should i give up on my wanting to dictate my life and let Him lead? when is giving up an option? how do i know he's leading? then again i don't want to be that woman who moves back home cause she couldn't do it alone. i'm a fighter (that's what my best friend told me this past weekend). how much of a fight am i putting up if i decided to move back home? i know that some of this is pride on my part. i always thought that once i left home i would only return for holidays. i don't want to go back on this belief.

so i'm asking you to chime in and give me some insight, thoughts, comments, whatever. my mind is probably made up but hearing from an objective source never hurts.

conflicted,

posh

p.s. i spoke to my mom about it. of course she wants me to come home, but i was not completely convinced. her main quip was that i needed to get rid of my expensive rent...which she's right about. deep down i don't think my mom wants me to give up and come home. having this convo with my mom wasn't easy; when did it become hard to talk to my mom?

stream of consciousness

right now i'm a hott mess. i'm glad november is over but it's not done with. the events of november will pan out in this coming month.

first of all, i'm waiting for a sign and also praying that i'll be receptive to it regardless of how hard it may be.

second, november was by fare the most challenging month. i don't remember crying so often in my adult life. there were days when i cried 3 or 4 times. not out of sadness but of being overwhelmed. my faith is waning and i recognize it. i'm not leaning as much on Him mostly because i'm not ready to accept his plan for me. i have an agenda and i'm seeing that mine does not align with His! (breathe) letting go ain't no joke!

no one wants to be a failure and i sense that if indeed the Lord is nudging...rather firmly pushing my in one particular direction, i need not take the journey as a failure but focus on the destination. (this a bit cryptic, but i'm not sure i'm ready to voice what He's telling me. speaking puts things in existence)

so my goals for this month:

1. find a job (i may be willing to relocate)
2. take drastic steps toward completing my prerequisites for med school. register for chemII and physics and maybe bio.
3. work on this thing called faith
4. learn to let go
5. go with the flow and enjoy things for want they are (also cryptic)
6. get back onto running. i'm getting "soft" --not cool!

i'd like to start going to the gym, but it's so out of my way. baby steps!

stay with me here...

now there is the dilemma of the girl friends! they all have something to say about the men i'm dating! really? i'm not marrying any of them...a girl i did a summer medical fellowship with in 2000 is now married to a man who appears to be twice her age. he's white so he may actually be younger cause rumor has it that white folk don't age well. but she's married to an older, white man! i knew from back than that she has issues... be it daddy or otherwise, now they have come to manifest themselves! i'm not passing judgement! i'm happy for her and her new husband honestly, but i'm such things rarely last long term. enjoy it for what it is, i say!

n e how back to the girlfriends. why can't they just give some positive words. it's like as soon as i mention some dude the negativity comes spewing out! is this a reflection of themselves? are they just not happy and a bit bitter about relationships? whatever it is, i sometimes wish they would behave more like my male friends who take a much practical approach to these things. how about we try saying "dating is fun, la. enjoy it for what it is."

then there is the whole issue of defining "what it is." why? i have to admit that sometimes it crosses my mind to ask dudes "what is this? what are we?" but in all honestly i'm not sure if i'm ready to hear the response. plus, why does it have to be anything? why can't it just be what it is in that moment? we enjoy spending time with each other at that time. that's all there is to it!

given my track record, as soon as a label is attached to it, things begin to deteriorate. i feel pressured and the expectation (what i expect from myself and from him) skyrockets. next thing you know, it's NOT! we've been conditioned to label things, our way of understanding the way of the world, but like some one told me today the way of the world is not meant of us to fully understand.

as for now i'm enjoying the ride. i'm not sure what's around the bend or the corner but when i get there i'll decided it i'll stay on for the remainder of the ride.

kind of abrupt but this stream is officially dry.

til the next time,

posh

i think i may also dye my hair back to black. thanks retha!