A Week in Review: The Good, The Bad and The Stupid

it's been over 10 days since i last stopped by and boy has it been a week, maybe 2!

the good:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 (my parents have and issue with his age) and all about redeveloping haiti! we went on a date last saturday after seeing each other and having brief conversations on the D6 bus. in a weeks time he has cooked me brunch and lunch.

2. my sister moved back in
so far this is good. she cooks, takes out the trash and does the dishes! what's even better is that she is around when i need an ear. my sister and i are pretty close. i think i'll enjoy her company in the months to come. also, yesterday she received her diploma in the mail. the doctor is officially in!

3. good friends
i spoke to retha who is doing so very very well! it feels like forever since i caught up with her. reading her blog is not the same as speaking to her. i do have to say that she is a sound voice...i miss it so much.

jozi and i had a chance to hang out for a bit this week also. she met D6 dude and his cousin and they all hit it off! she do is into developing the 3rd world so they all had much to discuss.

4. mr. bus driver
first of all i think they changed up the bus drivers for the D6 cause i have not seen a consistent batch of fine bus drivers in all my 2 years in the nation's capital! back to the good. today on my way to work on the bus, the bus driver gave these two gentlemen free transfers. they walked on the bus with two expired transfers and rather than making them repay, he simply gave them two new ones and explained to them that their current transfers would expire with in the next 1/2 hour. what a good deed

5. walking
i went for a late night walk and discovered a rec center 1.5 blocks from my house. met a man who is running for ANC commissioner. talk to an old, old man. i love how old folk just want someone to listen to them. i lack the patience to do so...but i'm working on it.

the bad:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 and all about this PYT! :-) as it so happens i think he may be a nympho. i'm not willing to walk down that road with him. my dad warned me that there is only one thing a 36 year old man would want with someone 11 years his junior; he may be correct. of course i want more, but for now the attention is good. i can't wait for it to get old which at the rate we're going is not that far off. we have seen each other almost every day/evening since our initial date. although it's been 7days today, it feels like 7 months! retha and i had the convo on how i need to find balance...this shit ain't easy!

2. i got fired
i was working part time at a restaurant to supplement my income. back history real quick--i took a pay cut to work for the district gov't which forced me to get a second part time gig to make up the $$ cut. regardless, i have been showing up at the waitressing gig late every weekday i'm scheduled to work. this is in part due to my reliance on the bus and also because i don't get off work before i'm scheduled to be at the waitressing gig. long story short i'm out a couple hundred $ a week. i need a new job fast!

3. i'm looking for a new full time job
my new job is soon expiring. my boss may not be reelected so i have to set things up for the next step. this is requiring me to network and meet people...one of my greatest discomforts! to compound this, i actually have to fill out job apps, which i believe are the most tedious things ever!


the stupid:
1. the man i met
he's haitian, 36 and currently has my car in his possession. i let him use it this week. your read correctly. i let a man who i do not know from the next man, use my car for a week! he got into a little fender bender also. i'm not mad at him cause it's only a car and he has already told me he would take care of it. i also told him that that i would help translate a french document to english as a means of helping him in this haitian project. wait it gets better...i also agreed to be one the folk listed in his incorporation papers cause this haitian project is about to become officially a non-profit! what is wrong with i?

2. chemistry
i have not been doing my homework as diligently as i should be. i've had to readjust to a change in my living circumstance, a new man who has been frequenting me and the stresses of looking for a new job. all this considered, i'm not really focused on school. with that said i did get a 90 on my last exam! praise god anyhow!

3. my full time job
we are holding way too long of hearings on issue that are no brainers!

and that is a week in review! thank goodness there was more good than bad and stupid!

saturday begins a month long celebration of my life! i will try to fill you in on the goodness throughout the month! til the next time i write...

posh

Why is it... (soul searching)

it has been brought to my attention that i lack balance in my life. i remember a few years back the year i turned 21 while at the MATCH, one of my colleagues in reference to me said "when you do something, you do it HARDCORE." this comment was in reference to a party...go figure. but this statement came from someone who hadn't known me for more than a few months.

my consternation comes from the fact that i know her statement is a half truth. i don't do everything hardcore; i only do certain things (many of which are trivial) with 100% devotion. why is this?

there are countless excuses that i could rationalize, but it comes down to fear.

fear of failure: if you don't fully invest in something, damage and pain is minimized should anything negative happen. partying is not much of an investment. a good time was directly related to the number of drinks. desiring an A in a class and gaining a grasps on the material presented is a much greater investment. failure in this case cannot be an option. i have a future riding on my performance, my family and friends all holding me accountable and all supporting me. they all seem to have confidence in my, yet do i? maybe it's not so much fear of failure as it is lack of confidence.

i also lack consistency. i may be vested in something, but my commitment does not last more than, at most, a few months. parties...a few hours of fun, then everyone goes back to their regularly scheduled program. exercise for instance is completely different. i'll do it consistently, see and enjoy the health rewards, but after a few months, i quit. why? i go grocery shopping. i buy food that i enjoy. after two days i no longer return to the fridge and all my purchases rot. it's the same principle and the same can be said about so many other aspects of my life. i start something, enjoy doing it, then in a blink of an eye i abandon it despite it's positive effects. why?

i'm getting older, but not necessarily wiser i feel. i recognize the problem, but do not know where it stems or how to address it.

i try to look back on the past 24 years and image what time in my life was the most stable. at what point do i realize that things are out of control? for those of you that know me, your insight is most welcomed. although i pride myself in introspection, sometimes and observe can offer more insight.

to be continued.

conflicted and confused,


posh

7 goals

1. go sky diving/parachuting

2. read more books, not necessarily novels

3. communicate more and better

4. do things to be BEST of my ability

5. go on a ski trip/visit more tourist sites in the MDV area

6. start a savings account...and stick to it!

7. have more faith

seven goals for now that i would like to accomplish during my 25th year of life. i would like to have a complete list by the 18th of Nov. it's a work in progress.

Age Gracefully

let's take the time out of our day and speak about aging gracefully.

the setting is none other than the D6 bus in the morning, direction sibly hospital in our nation's capital. the woman, african american. she seems to have experimented with some narcotics in the days of her youth. she's chocolate complexion.

her attire (order will be from head to toe): i believe she may suffer from some level of alopecia. why? her hair is pulled back in a pony tail, and i can see her scalp! attached to her pony tail is a "piece" that extends to her mid-back. how are you going to have alopecia and add a pony tail piece to your head that extends to your mid-back? really? really!

she has on a jacket so i don't know what type of shirt she has on. regular fitted jeans was not a bad pick for her. she's slender and i think i suited her will. on to her shoes...she is wearing peek toe, patten leather, 3-buckled, 3.5 inch heals! really? really! on a tuedsay morning! where are you headed? it ain't to a club?

all i'm saying is that one should dress age appropriate! you're a grandmother...dress the part! ain't no reason for you at the age of 66 to try to relive your adolescent years when you were or assumed you were hott sexy!

i shall soon be 25 God willing, and i can only hope that i too learn to dress age appropriate! i'm on the opposite of the spectrum where i dress a little too old! it's an ongoing journey! i'll find out how i did next year when i turn 26!

posh

diamond girl

so this song is "old" according to many, but i can't get it out of my head. i'm a have to go out and buy his album!

but i like the premise of the song. at some point every "normal" man should want to find his "diamond girl" and quit the "game."

n-e how, take a look and listen and let me know if you too are now obsessed with the song and premise.




posh

lonely

(i'm blog binging...something i need to explore more. what does this tell me about my personality?)

but back to the subject at hand. my cousin, we'll call him sexual chocolate for this blog, is headed off to baghdad with the state department on this friday. yesterday was my last time seeing and hanging out with him for what could be a whole year.

although he came into my life a couple years ago, for the past 9 months he has been my only family member in the district. furthermore, he double as a male friend to balance the ratio when groups of us went out. now he's gone!

selfish, yeah i know. i'm a miss him and hope that the Lord keeps him safe. i'm confident that he is making the right decision and will lead him down the path the Lord has in store for him. i'm ultra proud of him and i will miss him for more than just a "hang out/ratio balancing" buddy.

but back to the ratio...i can't think of one male friend who could possibly replace sexual chocolate! i'll miss him.

i suppose this will give me an opportunity to step outside my comfort some. i'll have to meet new folk and forge new friendship.

i'll keep you posted on the journey of socialization. good times.

Learning To Scream

By all accounts, my childhood was quiet. I was an only child and naturally attuned to silence. My parents weren't exactly regular chatterboxes either. They were always the ones who asked people to be quiet in church and at the movies. Plus, we lived in an apartment building where loud noises after 9:00 p.m. were reported. Quiet developed such a premium in my life.

I'm learning of its adverse effects lately. The solitude of my upbringing didn't really help me develop much of a voice. I am still soft spoken to this day. Often my kids ask me to repeat myself because they can't hear me from my lofty perch. And not having a sibling to argue with, to develop difference with more sharply, leads to a vocal box in a degree of atrophy. I know I'm not completely stunted. When comfortable, I am overly chatty, a crude compensation for my initial silence. But often the strength and conviction that colors others' speech at the appropriate moments is absent from my own. My mind is often a middling soup of a number of feelings and thoughts I am unable to articulate, unable to completely explore and trust.

There used to be a point where I could to some degree. Until last night, I had mostly forgotten that time. But in a rare moment of silence in my house, I dug in old files in the goals of organization and found a revival of spirit that might help me organize much more than the system of files on my computer. In the mix of old poems, musings, and random postings, I remembered a me who was just as unsure, just as confused, continually questioning. Certainly though, that me was unafraid of those questions or the answers or non-answers that returned. And that me just plugged along regardless. The tragedy is that I went nowhere. An endless circle like the Exodus.

But that ends now. Later you will see postings on this site that were previous to this date because I have been storing all this expression for no reason whatsoever. And its been holding me down. I haven't been asking questions. I haven't been challenging myself. I haven't been growing in any direction. This has been a stone that has slowly been creeping but I am praying that this is the beginning of momentum that will be unstoppable

Time...you ain't a friend of mine

intially i was going to write and gripe about my busy schedule, but i've opted not to. although i do feel a bit overwhelmed with not having enough time to enjoy my life, i understand that all things in due time. right now it's my time to be busy, work hard, and not travel/experience as much as i would like to. enough said.

Untitled

I wanna be,
in your presence.

stripped
of all my fears,
inhibitions,
desires,
wants
and insecurities.

Free. Naked.
in your presence,
I wanna be.

haiku

adam where are you?
growing up, posh and bighead
abandoned? Pray, no!


disclaimer: i thank retha for this inspiration

learning curve, WHAT!?!?!

it's been a month since i started my new job and the phrase that summarized these last 30 days is "trail by fire!" i feel like i may have jumped "straight out of the frying pan and into the fire" (this line goes out to retha!). i am really enjoying what i'm doing, but like so many non-technical, assembly-line jobs, there is no training manual; you are expected to learn on the job. no, the job is not at all complicated, but there are certain nuances and idiosyncrasies that are associated with the type of work i'm doing. gaining a firm grasp on them is a matter of time.

let's explore this concept of time and how it manifests in my life. with time comes a sense of confidence and certainty. time, as manifested in the life of lori is welcomed, however the unknown that is associated with it, is not! somewhat of a dichotomy and must assuredly a dilemma!

therefore, although i love my job (thus far!) not knowing what to expect, which is inherent in starting a new job especially with my boss i have found, has caused me great stress and has taken a stab at my confidence level.

in my non-realistic lori-centric world i expected to know everything on "day one"! that is not the case. every week i've been exposed to something new. i'm continually asking questions (which is a good thing--i need to syke myself up) and luckily i work with the best team around who are very patient and answer all my questions.

when all is said and done, the experience i'm gaining is immeasurable not to mention the opportunities associated with my job and i'm greatful. i am learning new things about my job and about myself. i know there are many personal things i need to work on and this job is bringing them to the forefront of my personal growth and development agenda. thank you.

disclaimer: come January, i may be out of a job; so as much as i love what i'm doing, i'm in the process of looking for another government job...just in case. wish me luck and hope that everything happens as it's suppose to happen.

til the next time

posh