Torture

In Theories of Punishment this week we discussed torture and it's justification as punishment. Torture was defined as: the loss of one's will resulting in the one's will being recruited into that of the enemy. Torture is a self betrayal in that the individual under great stress chooses to ally with the will of the enemy.

At this juncture, certain events in my life have me feeling like i'm turning against myself; i'm being tortured. For one, there is Big Head. Yes he is great and in my 23 years (don't be fooled i'm a precocious 23 year old) i have not met anyone like him, nor has there been anyone that makes me feel the way he does. He continually pushes me to grow and discover new things. Complacency is not an option with him. I appreciate the way he cares for me. But...(cause you knew that was coming. why would i mention him in this blog?) this is not where i thought i would be in my life. i'm a grad student who still has not learned the fundamental of time management. all was copacetic, i worked part time, school full time, tutored once a week and i seemed to be doing all right. no worries! never wondering if i would get a phone call, if my text would see a response, new e-mail? new blog posting? essentially i did not have to worry about anyone other than myself consequentially impacting my reality. Then in one fell swoop, without my permission, Big Head reintroduced himself. I feel as though i had no say in how i would respond. what i'm doing, who i am with him, is not who i thought i would be right now. I'VE turned into someone counter to my personal logic, who now finds herself walking along side her torturer: Big Head and this thing old folk call love (genX refers to it as every and anything but love!) No one asked me for permission. No one gave me an option. the more i tried to resist (you really don't know pain until you resist. plus you'd be surprise to discover how large your pain threshold indeed is) the more it persists. there is so much a human body and mind can endure. For this, i have betrayed myself. for this i have been tortured. now life is blissful because i have allied myself with the enemy. Ain't that ironic?!?

Posh