Maelstrom

maelstrom (meyl'struhm)

-n. 1. whirlpool; 2. state of confusion

In the past two weeks, this word has been at the forefront of my thoughts. I've actually used it in real and digital conversation at least four times in that time span. But at times it has felt like I've been caught in one of these, either definition.

Thinking about it, this maelstrom has been slowly building up. I've been in a state of tepid confusion for quite some time. And I played it off by being aloof. But it has been catching up to me. The whirlpool has been churning steadily. But recently its force has been insufferable and it led to quite the beating. In short, things have been taken away from me. Responsibilities that once made my head swell with equal portions of ego and stress are no longer mine to worry about. This initially made me very upset, increasing the intensity of the undercurrent. Without the burdens of ego and stress, all that brain energy has been channeled into deep introspection and evaluation. There have been tears. There have been internal screaming matches. There has been honesty. And it's time to acknowledge that I haven't been happy for some time. It's also time to acknowledge that I know what makes me happy and also the methods for procuring new experiences to make me happy as well. My family. Personal fulfillment. New experiences. Intellectual pursuits. Also realizing that I need to be able to escape and be by myself cause it serves as a reset.

I also recognize that the persistent insouciance I've cultivated is a drain on my resources and the people I love. The cycle of disappointment begins and ends with me. I'm defensive. I'm impulsive. I'm quick to anger. I've mastered the art of suppression. I've also mastered rage. I need to not be afraid to love totally and completely.

But the best part about this disturbance is, despite its disruption, the way things are settling points clearly to moving forward. It is almost as if I have no other option but to just address uncertainty and disorder. There's no comfortable nest to run back to. There have even been encouragements and reinforcers at the most propitious times. And what a blessing that is. I became too comfortable which led to complacency. The work I have to do was always daunting for one reason or another. But the only way to actually continue to have self-esteem and build on it is to do said work and whatever that work uncovers as well. Otherwise, my spirit will erode and I'll end up despising everything, including the things that do bring me joy.

I've always been about discovery. For a while I needed to put off the external portion to get acquainted with myself, find my voice. But now that I am more aware, it's time to resume that discovery of the external. All these things I've learned about myself require sustenance to continue to thrive. Not working is the equivalent of thistles and thorns; it will choke them out. There's only so long they can tread water and cling to the raft. Eventually that vortex would demolish them. In order to escape ubiquitous darkness, I have to do work and go ahead.

With that, I have come to realize that it is time for me to leave Massachusetts. When I first arrived here eight years ago (goodness), I was apprehensive and dismissive mostly due to fear of something new. But the urban detox is what I attribute to saving my soul. Since I've been here, I've learned to appreciate what's really important. Being out of my comfort zone forced me to try things. Friendships were formed here that would never have happened had I stayed in the city. Lessons of the human experience were explained to me here. The quiet has led me to deep examination and also taught me about love. Massachusetts will always be home in some way. In the near future, it will not be in the physical sense. It has been on my lips for some time now, a vague eventuality with no specifics. But since uncovering a sense of urgency, I realize the experiences that fill me with the most joy are found back closer to my family and in a city. The opportunities I want to pursue are there as well. I once read "You can't consent to creep when you have an urge to soar." Took a while to settle in but that need has finally taken hold and this creep is tiring. It is time to fly the coop. There are still things to attend to, ducks still need to be aligned in rows of some semblance. I actually can't leave with any confidence if they're not taken care of so I'll be here for a bit. But there's no reason that should take longer than some months. Most likely shorter if I stay as diligent as I feel at this moment. And that's a guarantee. It's becoming so that I feel stifled and it's not the Bay State's fault. I have to leave now while we're still on good terms and I can look at my lessons honorably.

I'm still wrapping around my head around the decision. I'm actually surprised at the ease with which I've texted people and settled on specific expectations. I'm also surprised that I'm not wavering. When you realize what you want and can be, you have to put yourself in situations where you can achieve your goals. And I'm really itching to get moving on things. It's been a long time coming.

My residence in a state of confusion is still valid, yet now fear doesn't keep me prisoner here anymore; it's fueling my escape. One of my favorite verses reads "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12). That's all I am striving to be.
Adam Carnegie

Still

As I purchased water on my run in the neighborhood mini-mart, the attendant chatted me up. He actually remembered me and the ex I used to frequent the store with. I asked after her in a way that seemed like he was frozen in that time, still some giddy young adults getting ice cream bars and sodas. I let him know what she was up to, what she accomplished. After commending him on his memory, I was on my way. And it hit me: I'm just as frozen.

The seeds were planted this weekend. In the elevator, I was talking to our neighbor who mentioned taking her daughter back to law school. The little one who used to cower when she saw anyone. And walking the streets in my neighborhood, I couldn't help but look at the people my age pushing strollers and having genteel conversation over sophisticated dinners. Maybe I played dodgeball with one or two I crossed paths with. But whoever they may be, everyone has kept moving. My childhood friends, college friends, work colleagues. They keep going. And here I am still.

So what happened? There was so much promise and determination at one point. When the life I had constructed began to break down, I don't think I ever recovered. And I also didn't realize I was breaking down either. My father's turbulent end with his job followed by his subsequent stroke were blows to the Huxtable aura I had given our family. When nothing made sense, I didn't make sense. And I haven't since.

It hasn't been a complete waste of time. I have been learning a lot about myself. And what is really important. Over this time, I did do the courageous thing and reached out to my sister. And I've been trying to build up my friendships. But still I have not taken much action. These morsels just come to me though and I am lucky enough to be cognizant of their occurrence and take note. But I've just been lucky.

And I don't want to be lucky. I am sure I am blessed and highly favored but I want to capitalize on the blessing. Every time I visit Posh, I leave inspired by her and just the simple interactions with her circles of friends. Yet my impetus fizzles out eventually. Every so often my sojourns to the city inspire me to return, to excel. Slowly, surely, the drive drains from me in time.

Truth be told, I think I am just scared. I can get frustrated and say that I am not living up to my abilities and change needs to come. But I'm comfortable enough. The forgotten verses of the African American National Anthem include "Stony the road we trod; bitter the chastening rod." But if you don't go down that road you still get beat, but the rod is dull. You learn to tolerate that pain. Maybe even flourish slightly in spite of it. It's not the way to live though. If there is going to be pain, why not make the most of it? Why not be in control of it? Know how to manage it? Actually use it to become stronger.

I think I have been in despair because I felt like I lost myself. In truth I don't think that entity was ever defined. My life was a series of events stitched together, moments to be experienced. I didn't live. I didn't take from the experience. And I really didn't contribute either. So now this is not about reclamation; this is about discovery. The me I love unconditionally, the place I feel most comfortable and most challenged, cause challenge is my friend now.

I know I need help. This will be a continuous process. It has to be considering how much is at stake. The humility will be the hardest part. And losing the idea that he has to be perfect and in my time. That's slowed me down too. It just has to happen but I have to do my part. And when I get distressed that's when I will get still. Pray. Keep moving.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

This Maturity Thing

A couple of weeks ago, I attended the Black History Celebration at my elementary school alma mater. Its something I participated in....let's see....every year I went to school there. It's a pageant of sorts where there are speeches, recitations, and songs by the children. In the back, my mom was helping with a fund-raising bake sale and I felt compelled to help. As they prepared, one of the mothers spoke of how a sister institution had used Facebook to help raise money. Here is where my closeness with my parents and my need to educate them backfires. I just explained Facebook a couple of times but now she offered my name for assistance. I quietly hoped it was a dream and kept pouring cups of punch diligently. But that mom chatted me up intermittently for the rest of the night, talking about the possibilities for such a drive.

She was pretty pleasant too and also asked about my history with the institution. When she asked me what year I had graduated, that's when it hit me. June will mark 15 years since I left the 8th grade. My goodness. She then asked "So how's adulthood treating you?" What a question. It's only recently I've started to accept and desired to embrace this adulthood, maturity.

But its taken me this long to start to get comfortable with myself. Last weekend, I busied myself about the island of Manhattan mostly going to events associated with Armory Art Week. And it was just a simple reminder of what I used to like to do. I'm not sure where I lost it, that spark to discover, to appreciate. And not just the arts, but life. All of a sudden I'm back to reading real articles and (gasp!) real books. Why was I not challenging myself all this time?

Maybe because it would be acknowledging that I was capable of more. Maybe its because I knew it would be more work and who wants more work. And not being certain of how much one is worth makes every decision that much more scary. But now these childish ways I dwelled in are starting to get tiresome. And nothing happens if you don't try. And really this isn't that hard. One step at a time and everything will work out.

But all this mind stimulation has been wonderful and this is what one of the underrated aspects of adulthood is. At this stage, this is where you can start to put everything together. It's true it can get confusing as all Hades out there. Sometimes I feel like I am in the center of a full speed centrifuge. But its also exciting. And right now I am ill equipped to enjoy everything it has to offer. I won't narrow this to a year. This time in my life is the time to truly examine the things that I enjoy and discover the things I will enjoy. It's about being responsible and thinking about the long term. The here and now is crazy but something positive can be drawn out of the chaos.

I need to be more sharing though. I think returning to this is a beginning to that. I need to be less afraid of sharing myself. For some reason I think I used to be ashamed of some of my interests or practices, who knows why. But I am who I am. But honestly I think I was just overthinking the whole ordeal. I'm going out more. I'm reconnecting. This hermit crap has got to be over. Going out with my sister twice illustrated that. There is so much to experience that I have been missing out on.

I might include old blogs I meant to write. I was writing in my absence but I just never felt so comfortable in my ideas. Once again I am not sure where all this anxiety derived from but I'm so glad I have begun to shake it off. Those will be tagged something clever once I think of it.

I anticipate a wonderful journey, though it may be arduous and even more confusing at times. I have tough decisions to make but I plan to enjoy myself along the way in this growth process.

In The Midst

Stepping back from my life, I've realized that if I was freaking out right now it would be perfectly justifiable.

Let's check out the scene.

• My father has just reached his 60th birthday but is health is shaky and seemingly in the decline.
• The organization I work for is losing clients much faster than we are taking them in and our endowment has dropped 20% with the current market. The initial round of layoffs begins this week with more likely in the summer.
• Oh yeah. My house burned down less than 2 months ago and I am still in the process of rebuilding and recovery.
  

Freak out is sooooooooooooooooooooo justifiable.

But honestly I have been doing well. The peace that surpasses all understanding has been with me for the most part. I break down sometimes when someone gives me a gift or when I'm writing a thank you note and realize how deep it really is but those have been kept in check.

Well that is until yesterday. I woke up at 7:30, sat straight up, and proceeded to question whether my job was one of the ones in jeopardy. When I went to sleep, it wasn't even a concern. But I just couldn't shake it. And my intestines started to twist with the agonizing possibilities. I tried to distract myself but was completely inept. I mostly just stared at the screen.

One friend came online and suggested I talk to my program director. I called but no one answered. I didn't leave a message cause I was sure I would sound like a lunatic. And all it did was make the tension worse. I texted my mother, who suggested I channel my energy into finding other possible avenues of employment. I really didn't like this suggestion, as logical as it was, cause it felt like I was admitting defeat.

But she did follow up that text with a verse to look up.

Philippians 4: 6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (New International Version)

or The Message take
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

That let me feel a better. I threw up a scattered prayer and tried to do something. That only led to Facebook. But on that blasted news feed, one of the friends I had surprisingly hedged on since we had maybe 2 classes together towards the end of school had posted a note. I could tell it was spiritual in nature and Mom's verse had me thinking this was where it was at. And it was probably the Spirit leading me as well but it was the most perfect devotion she had shared. The first line was: I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me; thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God. (Psalm 40:17)

How awesome is that!

I won't say that I was at ease. But I was able to put up loads of pictures that I was previously hampered to move. And somewhere I got the wherewithal to write the e-mail to my professors that I have promised for close to 3 years. It actually looks like I will be done with my degree requirements this summer. And as much as I was anxious about work, I still went about my business. And it was an excellent day. My boys did well. I got to chat with my fellow supervisor. Basically all my fears were allayed at the end of the day and throughout the day I didn't even notice they had dissipated.

All after that scattered prayer.

There's a lot still to sort out. Life still seems like a quagmire of just stuff. I'm not sure I fully touched on everything I could touch on. But I do have promise and some semblance of peace, for now, and really that's enough to keep moving forward.

Let's get it.

boredum

this is the third day at work that i am out of my mind bored! 8 hours never seemed so long until this week. there really is nothing to do in the committee office and everyone is on pause until next wednesday when we have the go-ahead to pack of the main office.

in eight hours, there are only so many blog posts and newspaper articles one can read. i can only what youtube videos for so long before i feel my brain start to atrophy. i can't really talk on the phone cause 1) i work in a section of a larger room with other co-workers and i don't want them to hear my convo and 2) everyone i know is themselves at work!

i have had time to get some of my volunteer work done, but that does not take 8 hours to complete. i just feel like i could be doing something more productive with my time like, start packing up my apt or going to the gym. i learned during my first "real" job that you are not expected to work for 8 hours in the day. you're simply expected to be available for those hours. being available is messing with the psyche.

then i feel guilty if i were to study for my final or apply for jobs. i'm on the public's dollar yet i'm doing personal stuff. i'm somewhat conflicted because i'm getting paid to do my personal business. that is somewhat dishonest. (yes i am that good!) trust that DC has enough issues so that no one working for the gov't can even spare an hour for lunch! but here i am blogging during work hours! go figure.

well i must go back to doing nothing

power of love

dear bighead,

you know i love you and because of my love for you, your words and opinions have a greater impact on me. i value you, maybe a bit too much, which is why during our gchat today i got really annoyed with you.

you know that i'm one to look at the whole picture before making a diagnosis. you also know that i'm my hardest critic and that i take much pride in being introspective. yet, a chunk of what you had to say in our convo was directed to how it was my fault; i had pass judgement in a preachy/lecturey way. i will admit that i should have told you the whole story, but really, it's gchat! you've known me long enough and it was my assumption that you would have been able to just pick up where i started. grown folk have told me about these "ass-u-mptions."

regardless, this letter is to say, that i was annoyed with you because in your pragmatic way, you ALWAYS need to figure it out and in figuring it out you must place the blame on someone/something. very seldom do you share the blame or place it on yourself. you placed the blame on me. this time around why couldn't you just be my bff and offer me words of comfort. i would have settled for probing questions that would have allowed me the chance to see the story from your perpective. but coming out and in your eloqunet manner placing the blame on me was not the right move.

there's a time for everything. a time to be a comforter, a friend, an accuser, a conscience... today was the time to be a friend and not judge, not point fingers, not indicate personal flaws.

this is why you got me all riled up.

with sadness,

posh

tis the season

for holiday parties and holiday shows! my time is long overdue for the nutcracker. i was in it as a child. guess who/what i was? with pride i was the best mouse on stage! don't sleep on my acting/ballet skills! :-) clearly i am no longer spending my time on stage rather i prefer to watch others. i saw the nutcracker a few years back in boston and i want to see it again. if you have never seen it, i strongly recommend you get out there and do so. tickets of course are a bit pricey, but it's so worth it! there are adaptations to the ballet: hip hop, jazz then you have the costume adaptations like victorian or contemporary. whatever your preference, just watch it; it's guaranteed to be a wonderful musical and visual experience.

now that my life appears to be back on track i would like to go to more plays, ballets, show and theatre events. i love the art and i love them more because i lack the artistic ability. on my list is RENT. i watched it for the first time in boston at the wang when i was 16 years old. i had no idea what the story was about, but i knew i loved the song "seasons of love." boy was i in for a shock when the themes and subject matters were revealed. i was not braced for that at all and because of my nievity i was unable to fully enjoy the plot line, music, set design or the overall experience. i think it's time for a redo. this season was the last for the broadway show. luckily for me i live in DC where RENT will be starting it's 10th season early next year! you betcha i'll have my ticket in hand!

measured in love,

posh